Big John's Sermon
The Pope was finishing his sermon.
He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - (which means Blessed
be Mankind).
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.
They complained that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti
Homini, et Tuti Femini" - (which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind).
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and
asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
--
----------
The Pope was finishing his sermon.
He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - (which means Blessed
be Mankind).
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.
They complained that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti
Homini, et Tuti Femini" - (which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind).
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and
asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
--
----------
*Male vs Female*
* ATM's*
* A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is *
*installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers using this new*
*facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing*
*their accounts.*
* MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful *
*research. *
* MALE PROCEDURE*
* 1. Drive up to the cash machine.*
* 2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.*
* 3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.*
* 4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.*
* 5. Drive off.*
* FEMALE PROCEDURE*
* 1. Drive up to cash machine.*
* 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the*
*machine.*
* 3. Set parking brake, put the window down*
* 4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.*
* 5. Turn the radio down.*
* 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.*
* 7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its *
*excessive distance from the vehicle.*
* 8. Insert card.*
* 9. Reinsert card the right way up.*
* 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.*
* 11. Enter PIN.*
* 12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.*
* 13. Enter amount of cash required.*
* 14. Check make up in rear view mirror.*
* 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.*
* 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.*
* 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.*
* 18. Recheck make-up again.*
* 19. Drive forward 2 feet.*
* 20. Reverse back to cash machine.*
* 21. Retrieve card.*
* 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot
provided.*
* 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
lined up behind you.*
* 24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.*
* 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.*
* 26. Release Parking Brake*
--
----------
* ATM's*
* A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is *
*installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers using this new*
*facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing*
*their accounts.*
* MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful *
*research. *
* MALE PROCEDURE*
* 1. Drive up to the cash machine.*
* 2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.*
* 3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.*
* 4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.*
* 5. Drive off.*
* FEMALE PROCEDURE*
* 1. Drive up to cash machine.*
* 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the*
*machine.*
* 3. Set parking brake, put the window down*
* 4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.*
* 5. Turn the radio down.*
* 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.*
* 7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its *
*excessive distance from the vehicle.*
* 8. Insert card.*
* 9. Reinsert card the right way up.*
* 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.*
* 11. Enter PIN.*
* 12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.*
* 13. Enter amount of cash required.*
* 14. Check make up in rear view mirror.*
* 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.*
* 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.*
* 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.*
* 18. Recheck make-up again.*
* 19. Drive forward 2 feet.*
* 20. Reverse back to cash machine.*
* 21. Retrieve card.*
* 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot
provided.*
* 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
lined up behind you.*
* 24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.*
* 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.*
* 26. Release Parking Brake*
--
----------
New Jersey Motor Handbook
New Regulations in the New Jersey Registry of Motor Vehicle's 2004
Handbook:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey
Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by
somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of
getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car like that of SALEEM"S that needs extensive bodywork,
especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other
operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal
violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and
are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home
of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works,
which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of
you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing
your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of
the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute.
This gesture should always be returned.
Thank You,
The New Jersey Registrar of Motor Vehicles
--
The other day, I got pulled over by the police because my
car didn't have any hub caps on the tires. I said, "What's the
charge officer?" He said, "It's Indecent Exposure."
I exclaimed, "Indecent exposure?!!!" He said, "YES! You can't just
ride around with your Wheel Nuts showing!"
--
----------
----------
New Regulations in the New Jersey Registry of Motor Vehicle's 2004
Handbook:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey
Driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by
somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of
getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car like that of SALEEM"S that needs extensive bodywork,
especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other
operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal
violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and
are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home
of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works,
which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them alert.
12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of
you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing
your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of
the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute.
This gesture should always be returned.
Thank You,
The New Jersey Registrar of Motor Vehicles
--
The other day, I got pulled over by the police because my
car didn't have any hub caps on the tires. I said, "What's the
charge officer?" He said, "It's Indecent Exposure."
I exclaimed, "Indecent exposure?!!!" He said, "YES! You can't just
ride around with your Wheel Nuts showing!"
--
----------
----------
Jesus Is Watching You
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar breaks into a house real late on night and as he is sneaking
around the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice that loudly says
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
The burglar, thinking he has been caught, stops in his tracks.
Silence.
So he starts looking through the house again when suddenly he hears,
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
Again the burglar stops in his tracks.
After a few minutes he hears nothing, so he starts moving around again,
and as before, hears "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
This time he hunts for the voice and finds a parrot sitting on a perch.
The burglar askes the parrot if he said that and the parrot said "YES".
The burglar laughs and says "so, whats your name birdie?", and the
Parrot replies "CLARENCE".
The burglar laughs even more and says, "What kind of idiot would name a
Parrot "Clarence"?
The parrot replies "THE SAME IDIOT THAT NAMED THE HUNGRY ROTTWEILLER "JESUS".
--
----------
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar breaks into a house real late on night and as he is sneaking
around the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice that loudly says
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
The burglar, thinking he has been caught, stops in his tracks.
Silence.
So he starts looking through the house again when suddenly he hears,
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
Again the burglar stops in his tracks.
After a few minutes he hears nothing, so he starts moving around again,
and as before, hears "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!".
This time he hunts for the voice and finds a parrot sitting on a perch.
The burglar askes the parrot if he said that and the parrot said "YES".
The burglar laughs and says "so, whats your name birdie?", and the
Parrot replies "CLARENCE".
The burglar laughs even more and says, "What kind of idiot would name a
Parrot "Clarence"?
The parrot replies "THE SAME IDIOT THAT NAMED THE HUNGRY ROTTWEILLER "JESUS".
--
----------
THATS ALL FOR THIS SUNDAY....HAVE A NICE DAY FOLKS......
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