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Monday, November 22, 2004

Naughty Little Johnny JOKES

From: "Rajiv Agarwal" <rajiv_grwl@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: (rajiv_grwl) try ur wits..

1. man
-----------
board

Ans. = man overboard


2. stand
-----------
i

Ans. = I understand





ok?....get the drift?
Let's try a few now & see how you fare





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/


Ans. = reading between the lines




4. r
r o a d
a
d


Ans. = cross road




5. cycle
cycle
cycle


Ans. = tricycle




6.
t
o
w
n


Ans. = downtown

7.
le /
/ vel
/


Ans. = split level



8 ... 0
------------
M.D.
Ph.D.



Ans. = two degrees below zero



9. knee
------------
light

Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)





10. ii ii
-----------
O O


Ans. = circles under the eyes




11. dice
dice

Ans. = paradise



12. t
o
u
c
h


Ans. = touchdown



13. ground
---------------
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet


Ans. = six feet underground





14. he's / himself


Ans. = he's by himself





15. ecnalg


Ans. = backward glance




16. death / life


Ans. = life after death



17 THINK


Ans. think big !!




and the last one is fun............





18. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....


Ans. long time no 'c'(see)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Excellent Time pass...............

Naughty Little Johnny


1.The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the
class the


following question, "What is bright red and shiny?". Little Johnny
jumped


up and shouted, "A fire engine !!!!???" No! No!" said the teacher, "
But I


like the way you think.. anyone else?" Little Susan replied that it
was an


apple and everyone was happy except Johnny of course.. Anyway, Little


Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded
OK.


"What is long, hard,rounded and has hair at one end?" "JOHNNY!!!" she


screamed,"WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..." Johnny
replied, "No,it's a


toothbrush, but I like the way you think"..


======================================================================
=================



2.Confused Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his


teacher, indicating that Johnny is having some difficulty with the


differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, "please sit
down


and have a talk with Johnny about this?" So Johnny's mother takes him
by


the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.."First,
Johnny, you


take off my blouse...." so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it
off.. "Ok,


now take off my skirt...." ..and he takes off her skirt.. "Now take
off my


bra...."...which he does.. "and now, Johnny, please take off my
panties.."


..and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE
don't


wear any of my clothes to school again!"


======================================================================
=================



3.Math Class Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when


his teacher picked him to answer a question.. "Johnny, if there were 5


birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be


left?" "None", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,
the


answer is 4", said the teacher. "but I like the way you are thinking."


Little Johnny retaliated. "I have a question for you now. If there
were


three women eating ice cream cones


in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third


one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher


nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little
Johnny,


"the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you
are


thinking.."


======================================================================
=================



4. What is it? One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of
fruit.


"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a fruit, and
you


tell what fruit I'm talking about." Okay, first: it's round, plumb and


red." Of course, Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher
wisely


ignored him and picked little Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple."


"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the
second.


It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.." Well, Johnny is
hopping


up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But
she


skips him again and calls on Little Billy.. "Is it a peach?" "No,
Billy,


I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.." Here's another:
it's


long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as
he


waves his hand frantically.. But the teacher skips him again and
calls on


little Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a


squash, but I like your thinking."


Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.. "Hey, I've
got


one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got
it:


it's round, hard, and its got a head on it." ."Johnny!" she
cries. "That's


disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your


thinking"


======================================================================
=================



5.What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud


noises coming from his parents' bedroom.He got out of bed and walked
down


the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the


hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on..
Little


Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used


condom.. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.. His father


looked around nervously


wondering what he could tell his son.. "I, um, I'm just checking out
the


bathroom for mice." replied his father..Johnny looked at his father in


extreme puzzlement and said, "What you gonna do when you find them ?
f**k


them?"


======================================================================
=================



Not Another Word Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after
she


had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I


was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the
room with


the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and


then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and
said,


"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want
you to


tell him exactly


what you've just told me." Father comes home and the wife tells him
that


she's leaving him. "But why?" he croaks. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell
Daddy just


what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your


closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got


undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of
her..." "...and


they did just what you did last week, Mommy, with Uncle Bob".


======================================================================
=================



Heaven Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day,


the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
heaven


first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind
goes to


heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God."


The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.
He


says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all
about


love." "That is so beautiful, Billy", praises the teacher. The teacher


looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she
thought, "I'm not


gonna like this..Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think
goes to


heaven first?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet." The teacher
(relieved)


asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.. He
replied, "Well,


I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her
feet


up in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"


======================================================================
=================



Pass or Fail Johnny missed his final exams due to the flu, but he'd
done so


well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that
they


give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The
principal


agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained, then the
teacher


asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"


Johnny replied, "Legs." The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have
in


your pants that i don't have in my pants?" Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The


teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital ofItaly?" Johnny replied.


" Rome." The teacher turned to the principal and


asked, "Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask
me, I


got the first two wrong"


======================================================================
=================



Harassment Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence. Johnny:Her mouth
said


'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.


======================================================================
=================



Loaf of Bread Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store
to get


a loaf of bread..Little Johnny's is coming home from the store
swinging the


loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket..
Along


comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to


say something from the Bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little


Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny, that you have the Stuff of
Life in


one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A
loaf of


bread, Father".


======================================================================
=================



Bet It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father
looked


up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but
that he


was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch
money


from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did
not seem


disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems
and


was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly


after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things
were


going. "Oh, everything is going very well" she said. "I I think I may
have


cured little Jhnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what
had


happened. "He absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I
had a


mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him
to


the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole." "Crap!" The
father


said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the
teacher's


bare butt before the day was over."


======================================================================
=================



One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her
cleavage.She


asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about
you,jonny?" "Milk!"


answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong
answer. "Roses


drink water,"explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I
didn't know


the stem was that long!"


======================================================================
=================



Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a
keyhole


at their parents making love "Wow, look at them! And we are not
allowed


even to stick a finger in our nose!"


======================================================================
=================



Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each


other."Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny."Well, the one below
has


relaxed and the one above has concentrated." "Okay, I've understood."


"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically. "Never
relax in


your life, dad, or you'll get f**ked like a dog!"


======================================================================
=================



Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what are


those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny
to


ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be


forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his
father


the same question. His father, always ready with the answers,
says,"Why


Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up
and


she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more


questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few
hours


early. Johnny runs out of the house crying


hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm
down


son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?""Uncle Harry is blowing up
Mommy's


balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"


======================================================================
=================



Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word


'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is


definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray,or


orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry,
but in


the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the
class


stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks
horrified


and says..."Johnny! of course not!!!" "OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit
my


pants..."


======================================================================
=================



Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He


decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering
their


room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Mommy,
daddy, what


are you doing?" Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!" So
Johnny


decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets
going


up-and-down. Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:"
Get


out! We are playing cards!" Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his
own


room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and


grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so


decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the
blankets


going up-and-down. "Johnny! What are you doing??!!" Johnny:" I'm
playing


cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?" Johnny: "With a hand like
this,


who needs a partner?"


======================================================================
=================



Not Johnny but Japani!


It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the
son


of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,


reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me


death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who
had


his


hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of
the


people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'"?


Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,1863."The
teacher


snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is
new to


our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a
loud


whisper: "F-----g Japanese.""Who said that?" she demanded.Suzuki put
his


hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," @ that point, a student in the back
sighed,


"I'm gonna puke!" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said


that?" Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out


of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,"Bill Clinton,
to


Monica Lewinsky, 1997."


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