SOFTWARE FOR 3 D DRAWING
1. SOLID EDGE
2.PRO-E
Solid Edge is a 3D parametric feature based Computer-aided design (CAD) software system. It provides solid modeling, assembly modelling and drafting functionality for engineers.
Through 3rd party applications it has links to many other PLM technologies. SolidEdge also comes with ‘’’Insight’’’ , built in PDM and CPD functionality based on Microsoft technologies.
Released in 1996, it was initially developed by Intergraph as one of the first Windows NT based CAD packages, it is now owned and developed by UGS Corp. Its geometric modeling kernel was originally ACIS, but was changed to Parasolid.
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Sunday, May 07, 2006
SOFTWARE FOR 3 D DRAWINGS
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
data required for designing Rain Water Harvesting system
manual on rain water harvesting Central ground water board
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
web site for rain water harvesting
The following data is required to design a system and evaluate cost of construction
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
SELECTING DIGITAL CAMERA
SONY-DSC W5 for Rs.10,990/= with zero percent finance having EMI Rs.458/= monthly
Check out:
1. Match megapixel .It should be 5 mega pixels or above.
2.Select atleast 3X optical zoom:
3.Go for a 2.5 inch LCD display
4.Carl Zeiss lens are the best.
5.Battery life:Find out how many shots your battery is going to last.SONY DSC-W5 delivers 450 shots
6.Must have MPEG movie VX
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Friday, April 21, 2006
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT ASSESSMENT STUDIES
A . Scope of work :
EIA / EMP report is based on the --------
Study will be conducted within 10 km radius around the proposed site .
Field data collection of different aspects of environment including Air, Water, Land, Flora & fauna , Agriculture & Socio-economic aspects .
Atleast five monitoring station will be choosen for ambient air quality ( SPM , SO, NO ), Noise monitoring , micro- meteorological information ( Temp, humidity, rainfall, wind speed , wind direction and wind rose diagram ) , surface & ground water characteristics , soil quality etc .
DATA GENERATION
Meteorological information like wind direction,wind velocity,temperature,humidity etc will be collected from nearest IMD station .
Existing vegetation scenario viz. flora & fauna found in the study area.
Socio- economic status and land use pattern of the study area.
Ambient air quality monitoring report
Noise monitoring report
Ground water quality report
Surface water quality report
Soil quality report
Contour mapping of the site
Topography of the site from Surveyor of India
Any prominent feature near the area like lake,bird sanctuary,highway etc
Layout details of the industry
Assessment of gaseous , liquid and solids discharge from the proposed industry.
Assessment of likely impact of above discharge on the various components of the environment.
Pollution control measures to be adopted by the proposed industry .
Complete environmmental plan will be adopted before & after establishment for the industry.
B.Presentation of report in concerned Deptt :
Ministry of Environment & forest ,New Delhi
State pollution control board .
C. Project duration :
1. For base line data collection ----- 3 months
2. Report compilation --------------- 1 month
D. The commercial offer :
The charge of rapid EIA/EMP alongwith the data collection and compilation of report will beRs . 3,75,000/=( Rupees three lacs seventy five thousand only ) .
E . Payment terms :
40 % advance alongwith work order
20 % after collection of base line data ( First progress report )
20 % at the time of draft report submitting
15 % at the time of final report submitting
5 % after approval of the report
NOTE : All payments will be released through demand draft and payable at Delhi .
For ENVO PROJECTS
(SALEEM ASRAF SYED IMDAADULLAH)
Director
EIA / EMP report is based on the --------
Study will be conducted within 10 km radius around the proposed site .
Field data collection of different aspects of environment including Air, Water, Land, Flora & fauna , Agriculture & Socio-economic aspects .
Atleast five monitoring station will be choosen for ambient air quality ( SPM , SO, NO ), Noise monitoring , micro- meteorological information ( Temp, humidity, rainfall, wind speed , wind direction and wind rose diagram ) , surface & ground water characteristics , soil quality etc .
DATA GENERATION
Meteorological information like wind direction,wind velocity,temperature,humidity etc will be collected from nearest IMD station .
Existing vegetation scenario viz. flora & fauna found in the study area.
Socio- economic status and land use pattern of the study area.
Ambient air quality monitoring report
Noise monitoring report
Ground water quality report
Surface water quality report
Soil quality report
Contour mapping of the site
Topography of the site from Surveyor of India
Any prominent feature near the area like lake,bird sanctuary,highway etc
Layout details of the industry
Assessment of gaseous , liquid and solids discharge from the proposed industry.
Assessment of likely impact of above discharge on the various components of the environment.
Pollution control measures to be adopted by the proposed industry .
Complete environmmental plan will be adopted before & after establishment for the industry.
B.Presentation of report in concerned Deptt :
Ministry of Environment & forest ,New Delhi
State pollution control board .
C. Project duration :
1. For base line data collection ----- 3 months
2. Report compilation --------------- 1 month
D. The commercial offer :
The charge of rapid EIA/EMP alongwith the data collection and compilation of report will beRs . 3,75,000/=( Rupees three lacs seventy five thousand only ) .
E . Payment terms :
40 % advance alongwith work order
20 % after collection of base line data ( First progress report )
20 % at the time of draft report submitting
15 % at the time of final report submitting
5 % after approval of the report
NOTE : All payments will be released through demand draft and payable at Delhi .
For ENVO PROJECTS
(SALEEM ASRAF SYED IMDAADULLAH)
Director
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
laptop from sahara at 899/- installment
sahara NB5610-L1
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
mobile LOST, FIND IT USING SOFTWARE
the lost mobile tracking solution (LMTS)
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
mosquito menace, drive thenm away by using sound
For Computers
1. anti mosquito software 1.0 by BKT co
2.Thai Anti Mosquito Software
For Mobiles:
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
architects online
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
a POEM
----- Original Message -----From: JEBEEN@aol.comTo: JEBEEN@aol.comSent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 11:32 AMSubject: 3/4/06 A poemI got the below Poem from someone I really do not know. Tried to find the name of the young poet; but could not. But just felt like sharing:
Jebeen
========
This poem was nominated for the best poem of 2005, written by an African kid...amazing thought!
When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in Sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,When I sick,
I Black,And when I die, I still black..
And you White fella,
When you born, you Pink,
When you grow up, you White,
When you go in Sun, you Red,
When you cold, you Blue,
When you scared, you Yellow,
When you sick, you Green,
And when you die, you Gray...
And you calling me Colored?
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
a POEM
----- Original Message -----From: JEBEEN@aol.comTo: JEBEEN@aol.comSent: Saturday, March 04, 2006 11:32 AMSubject: 3/4/06 A poemI got the below Poem from someone I really do not know. Tried to find the name of the young poet; but could not. But just felt like sharing:
Jebeen
========
This poem was nominated for the best poem of 2005, written by an African kid...amazing thought!
When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in Sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,When I sick,
I Black,And when I die, I still black..
And you White fella,
When you born, you Pink,
When you grow up, you White,
When you go in Sun, you Red,
When you cold, you Blue,
When you scared, you Yellow,
When you sick, you Green,
And when you die, you Gray...
And you calling me Colored?
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Cell phone hazard
Never, ever answer a cell phone while it is being CHARGED!!
A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell
phone at home.
Just at that time a call came and he answered it
with the instrument still connected to the outlet.
After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell
phone unrestrained and the young man was
thrown to the ground with a heavy thud.
His parents rushed to the room only to find him
unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt
fingers.
He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was
pronounced dead on
arrival.
Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the
electrical outlet!
FORWARD THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE,
I JUST DID!
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
alimor biyar karonay zugar
LIST OF WORK :( TO BE DONE BY TOUFIQUE OKOLAY OKOLAY,HEE HEE HEE ;-))
1.Guest list---- it may be with jan
2. Invitation letter---- to prepare the format
3.marriage hall----- Booked
4. cook---- to engage
5. Items to be provided for guests--- to be decided.(Keep puri bhaji if possible).What about ice cream?moi ice cream bhaal pao.
6.Cooking material list--to be finalised by the cook.Ek tin tel belege besikoi kinibi, cook tuwe sur kariboloi.
7.BUS and ekhon haru gadi for dora koina---to be booked.
8.Panir tanki---ghorot pani thoboloi lagibo neki?
9.Mithai for reception---order to be given
10.cake----sheikh bros ,ghy---order to be given
11.dora adora present----- to be purchased
12.tamuli kun hobo?
13. dorar dress ?
14. manuh mota--moi hunaaat guwahatit 200 ghor manuh asay.
ekhon bhaal kitab likhibo pari dekhun---biya kenekoi patibo pari?
----saleem
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
GREAT LEADRES DO SIMPLE THINGS BRILLIANTLY
Great leaders do not do big things, they do simple things brillianltly
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
reply= Queries regarding careers
> Sir,
> Thanks for your letter. I will be happy if we can work together.
> As mentioned in the blog, We are in the process of finalising our branch
> offices in various parts of India. Please let us know what you can do for
> our company. WE believe in working together for mutual benifits.Team work
> always succeeds.We dont offer jobs or pay salaries. We give oppurtunities
to
> qualified persons like you who is keen to suceed in life. We provide all
the
> back up from Delhi.You can be very sure of our full support.If you want
you
> can come to Delhi and meet us in person.
> NOW, its all upto you.
> Thanks again for your letter.
> ---Saleem
> 9899300371
===============================
> Sent: Wednesday, February 22, 2006 7:00 PM
> Subject: Queries regarding careers
>
>
> > Dear Sir,
> > This is in reference to Blogger website I visited today.
> > I am having M.Sc. in Forestry & Environmental Sciences and four and half
> > years of experience in research.
> > Herewith I am attaching my CV for your kind consideration for the
> > position and advice.
> >
> > With kind regards,
> >
> > Himanshu Mishra
> >
>
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
work methods
dear sir,
sorry for the late reply. I was out of office for a few days. we already expanded our work to Uttar Pradesh and ASSAM. I had to go to lucknow, Aligarh and Guwahati for finalising some new projects. Our Regional Head At UP is Mr. Goswami --Phone no: 09415104692 and at Assam is Mr.S . Ahmad ,Phone No: 09435109929. Now let me please tell you what they are doing .
1. They generate enquiries. Enquiries are normally generated from officials of Regional Pollution Control Board,Water Supply Departments, Ground WAter Aurthority, Municipalties,Directorate of Health,Public Health Engineering Department, Architects, Builder Groups etc. Their primary task is to liasion with these sources of work and generate enquiries.
2. Generally the enquiry is a Industry,hotel, hospital, Nursing home,School,Vehicle servicing centre & petrol pumps, group housing societies,banquet halls etc where Sewage treatment plant,Effluent Treatment Plant,Drinking Water TReatment Plant is required.
3.They visit the client and gather information from the site like a)Water test report of the sewage,effluent,potable water b)Location plan of the proposed treatment plant site,c)Production process details showing sources of waste generation,d)Quantity of waste generation per day and e)Working hours during which the total quantum of waste is generated.
3. They send the above details to us through email , FAX .
4.We prepare a quotation and send it to them .
5.They submit the quotation to the client.
6.They negotiate the quotation with the party and finalise the deal.
7.They take an advance amount alongwith the work order.
8.WE send them the drawings of civil work like layout plan, Level flow diagram, sectional drawings etc.
9.We dont do civil work.Either they or the client himself do the civil work.Hence they finalisea civil contractor and inform us accordingly.
10.NOW, We plan a first visit to the site along with them and fix the layout at site.Necessary onsite modifications to the layout is made and a final layout is prepared by us.
11.They followup the work and time to time take payments from the client as decided.
12.They also liasion with the local authorities for all necessary permissions like No Objection Certificate (NOC) etc.
13.We supply all mechanical items from Delhi.Also we Install them at site.We send our staff from Delhi to Erect and commission the plant.After first run the plant is handed over to the client and a completion certificate is obtained.
1. They generate enquiries. Enquiries are normally generated from officials of Regional Pollution Control Board,Water Supply Departments, Ground WAter Aurthority, Municipalties,Directorate of Health,Public Health Engineering Department, Architects, Builder Groups etc. Their primary task is to liasion with these sources of work and generate enquiries.
2. Generally the enquiry is a Industry,hotel, hospital, Nursing home,School,Vehicle servicing centre & petrol pumps, group housing societies,banquet halls etc where Sewage treatment plant,Effluent Treatment Plant,Drinking Water TReatment Plant is required.
3.They visit the client and gather information from the site like a)Water test report of the sewage,effluent,potable water b)Location plan of the proposed treatment plant site,c)Production process details showing sources of waste generation,d)Quantity of waste generation per day and e)Working hours during which the total quantum of waste is generated.
3. They send the above details to us through email , FAX .
4.We prepare a quotation and send it to them .
5.They submit the quotation to the client.
6.They negotiate the quotation with the party and finalise the deal.
7.They take an advance amount alongwith the work order.
8.WE send them the drawings of civil work like layout plan, Level flow diagram, sectional drawings etc.
9.We dont do civil work.Either they or the client himself do the civil work.Hence they finalisea civil contractor and inform us accordingly.
10.NOW, We plan a first visit to the site along with them and fix the layout at site.Necessary onsite modifications to the layout is made and a final layout is prepared by us.
11.They followup the work and time to time take payments from the client as decided.
12.They also liasion with the local authorities for all necessary permissions like No Objection Certificate (NOC) etc.
13.We supply all mechanical items from Delhi.Also we Install them at site.We send our staff from Delhi to Erect and commission the plant.After first run the plant is handed over to the client and a completion certificate is obtained.
This is in short the method of working.
So, your work will also be the same---that of generating enquiries from the sources I mentioned ,Liasioning with the concerned departments,Gathering data for design of the STP/ETP,Civil Work(If you wish to do),
Please let me know what you can do.And how you plan to generate enquiries
Thanking you.
Saleem Asraf
9899300371
9899300371
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Re: Great Poem- must read
----- Original Message -----From: Shakil ASent: Monday, February 13, 2006 10:00 AMSubject: Great Poem- must readDeath Bed
It was early in the morning at four,
When death knocked upon a bedroom door,Who is there? The sleeping one cried.
I'm Malakul Mawt, let me inside.At once, the man began to shiver,
As one sweating in deadly fever,He shouted to his sleeping wife,
Don't let him take away my life.Please go away, O Angel of Death!
Leave me alone; I'm not ready yet.My family on me depends,
Give me a chance, O please prepense!The angel knocked again and again,
Friend! I'll take your life without a pain,This your soul Allah requires,
I come not with my own desire.Bewildered, the man began to cry,
O Angel I'm so afraid to die,I'll give you gold and be your slave,
Don't send me to the unlit grave.Let me in, O Friend! The Angel said,
Open the door; get up from your bed,If you do not allow me in,
I will walk through it, like a Jinn.The man held a gun in his right hand,
Ready to defy the Angel's stand.I'll point my gun, towards your head,
You dare come in; I'll shoot you dead.By now the Angel was in the room,
Saying, O Friend! Prepare for you doom.Foolish man, Angels never die,
Put down your gun and do not sigh.Why are you afraid! Tell me O man,
To die according to Allah's plan?Come smile at me, do not be grim,
Be Happy to return to Him.O Angel! I bow my head in shame,
I had no time to take Allah's Name.From morning till dusk, I made my wealth,
Not even caring for my health.Allah's command I never obeyed,
Nor five times a day I ever prayed.A Ramadan came and a Ramadan went,
But no time had I to repent.
The Hajj was already FARD on me,
But I would not part with my money.All charities I did ignore,
Taking usury more and more.O Angel! I appeal to you,
Spare my life for a year or two.The Laws of Quran I will obey,
I'll begin SALAT this very day.My Fast and Hajj, I will complete,
And keep away from self-conceit.I will refrain from usury,
And give all my wealth to charity,We Angels do what Allah demands,
We cannot go against His commands.Death is ordained for everyone,
Father, mother, daughter or son.I'm afraid this moment is your last,
Now be reminded, of your past,I do understand your fears,
But it is now too late for tears.You lived in this world, two score and more,
Never did you, your people adore.Your parents, you did not obey,
Hungry beggars, you turned away.Instead of making more Muslims,
You made your children non-Muslims.You ignored the Mua'dhin Adhaan,
Nor did you read the Holy Quran.Breaking promises all your life,
Backbiting friends, and causing strife.From hoarded goods, great profits you made,
And your poor workers, you underpaid.Horses and cards were your leisure,
Moneymaking was your pleasure.You ate vitamins and grew more fat,
With the very sick, you never sat.A pint of blood you never gave,
Which could a little baby save?O Human, you have done enough wrong,
You bought good properties for a song.When the farmers appealed to you,
You did not have mercy, tis true.Paradise for you? I cannot tell,
Undoubtedly you will dwell in hell.There is no time for you to repent,
I'll take your soul for which I am sent.The ending however, is very sad,
Eventually the man became madWith a cry, he jumped out of bed,
And suddenly, he fell down dead.O Reader! Take moral from here,
You never know, your end may be nearChange your living and make amends
For heaven, on your deeds depends.If this poem inspires you,
It can help someone too.Regards,
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
how to become rich
Summary of the Science of Getting Rich
THERE is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.
A thought in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.
Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.
In order to do this, man must pass from the competitive to the creative mind; otherwise he cannot be in harmony with the Formless Intelligence, which is always creative and never competitive in spirit.
Man may come into full harmony with the Formless Substance by entertaining a lively and sincere gratitude for the blessings it bestows upon him. Gratitude unifies the mind of man with the intelligence of Substance, so that man's thoughts are received by the Formless. Man can remain upon the creative plane only by uniting himself with the Formless Intelligence through a deep and continuous feeling of gratitude.
Man must form a clear and definite mental image of the things he wishes to have, to do, or to become; and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the Supreme that all his desires are granted to him. The man who wishes to get rich must spend his leisure hours in contemplating his Vision, and in earnest thanksgiving that the reality is being given to him. Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of frequent contemplation of the mental image, coupled with unwavering faith and devout gratitude. This is the process by which the impression is given to the Formless, and the creative forces set in motion.
The creative energy works through the established channels of natural growth, and of the industrial and social order. All that is included in his mental image will surely be brought to the man who follows the instructions given above, and whose faith does not waver. What he wants will come to him through the ways of established trade and commerce.
In order to receive his own when it shall come to him, man must be active; and this activity can only consist in more than filling his present place. He must keep in mind the Purpose to get rich through the realization of his mental image. And he must do, every day, all that can be done that day, taking care to do each act in a successful manner. He must give to every man a use value in excess of the cash value he receives, so that each transaction makes for more life; and he must so hold the Advancing Thought that the impression of increase will be communicated to all with whom he comes in contact.
The men and women who practice the foregoing instructions will certainly get rich; and the riches they receive will be in exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
methane gas generation in bio gas plant
Methane Generation From Livestock Wastes
by R.W. Hansen 1Quick Facts...
Converting organic materials, such as animal wastes, to an easily used form of energy can be accomplished by several methods. The process with the greatest potential is anaerobic fermentation or digestion. The extraction of energy from wastes using anaerobic digestion to produce bio-gas is not new and the general technology is well known. Bio-gas, which is methane and other gases, has been known as swamp gas, sewer gas and fuel gas. Sewage treatment plants generate bio-gas from the sewage sludge as part of the sewage treatment processes. Many small units were used in Europe and India after World War II. Characteristics of Bio-GasBio-gas usually contains about 60 to 70 percent methane, 30 to 40 percent carbon dioxide, and other gases, including ammonia, hydrogen sulfide, mercaptans and other noxious gases. It also is saturated with water vapor.The heat value of the raw gas at typical Colorado atmospheric pressures is about 400 to 600 British thermal units (Btu) per cubic foot. In comparison, natural gas has a heat value of 850 Btu per cubic foot and gasoline contains approximately 120,000 Btu per gallon. Partial removal of the impurities may be required. This is not necessarily difficult, but it does complicate the system. Basic Digester ProcessMethane is produced by bacteria. The bacteria are anaerobes and operate only in anaerobic environments (no free oxygen). Constant temperature, pH and fresh organic matter promote maximum methane production. Temperatures usually are maintained at approximately 95 degrees F. Other temperatures can be used if held constant. For each 20 degrees F decrease, gas production will be cut approximately one half or will take twice as long. A constant temperature is critical. Temperature variations of as little as 5 degrees F can inhibit the methane-formers enough to cause acid accumulation and possible digester failure.Anaerobic digestion is a two-part process and each part is performed by a specific group of organisms. The first part is the breakdown of complex organic matter (manure) into simple organic compounds by acid-forming bacteria. The second group of microorganisms, the methane-formers, break down the acids into methane and carbon dioxide. In a properly functioning digester, the two groups of bacteria must balance so that the methane-formers use just the acids produced by the acid-formers. A simple apparatus can produce bio-gas. The amount of the gas and the reliability desired have a great influence on the cost and complexity of the system. A simple batch-loaded digester requires an oxygen-free container, relatively constant temperature, a means of collecting gas, and some mixing. Because methane gas is explosive, appropriate safety precautions are needed. Tank size is controlled by the number, size and type of animals served, dilution water added, and detention time. The factor that can be most easily changed with regard to tank size is detention time. Ten days is the minimum, but a longer period can be used. The longer the detention time, the larger the tank must be. Longer detention times allow more complete decomposition of the wastes. Fifteen days is a frequently used detention time. Table 1 shows some recommended sizes, dilution ratios and loading rates for different types of animals. Little volume reduction occurs in an anaerobic digester. Waste fed into the digester will be more than 90 to 95 percent water. The only part that can be reduced is a portion of the solids (about 50 to 60 percent). The processed material will have less odor. Because it still contains most of the original nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium, and is still highly polluted, the waste cannot enter a stream after it leaves the digester. Lagoons are commonly used to hold the waste until it can be disposed of by either hauling or pumping onto agricultural land.
There is no increase in the amount of nitrogen, phosphorus or potassium in this material, although it may be in a more available form. A small portion of the nitrogen may be lost to the gas portion of the system, thus reducing the amount of nitrogen initially available. Gas ProductionTotal bio-gas production varies depending on the organic material digested, the digester loading rate, and the environmental conditions in the digester. Under ideal conditions (95 degrees F temperature and proper pH), it is possible to produce about 45 cubic feet of gas at atmospheric pressure from one day's manure from a 1,000 pound cow. Not all of the bio-gas energy is available for use. Energy is required to heat and mix the digester, pump the effluent, and perhaps compress the gas. Table 2 summarizes the estimated gas production from various animal wastes.
Basic ElementsFigure 1 shows the basic elements of a single-stage anaerobic digester. Submerged inflow and outflow lines are needed to prevent gas from escaping. Either a mechanical mixer can be used, or the liquid or gas can be recirculated for mixing.A heat exchanger and thermostat maintain the proper temperature. The heat exchanger can be either internal or external. Methane is drawn off the top of the digester. For gas utilization, a compressor and storage tank are used, along with the hardware to provide flame traps, regulators, pressure gauges, hydrogen sulfide scrubber, carbon dioxide removal and pressure relief valves. A common facility for gas storage is the floating cover that floats upward while maintaining essentially constant pressure. Methane or bio-gas cannot be converted to a liquid under normal temperatures as can LP gas (LP gas liquefies at 160 psi). Under constant temperature, volume reduction is inversely proportional to the pressure; that is, as the pressure doubles, the volume becomes half as large. The more the gas is compressed, the more energy it takes to compress it.
Liquefaction of methane requires pressures of nearly 5,000 psi and is not practical. If the gas is compressed to just 1,000 psi, it requires about 1,320 Btu of energy to put 6,350 Btu into a storage container. Because bio-gas cannot be liquefied, it is best suited for stationary uses, such as cooking, heating water and buildings, air conditioning, grain drying, or operating stationary engines. It is not feasible as a tractor fuel. One cubic foot of compressed bio-gas at 3,000 psi would run a 100-horsepower tractor approximately 7 1/2 minutes. Most tractor fuel tanks occupy about 8 cubic feet. A special high-pressure tank with 8 cubic feet of gas and 3,000 psi would run the tractor approximately one hour. A 3,000-psi tank bouncing around on a tractor would present a serious safety hazard. The tractor would run 6 minutes on 8 cubic feet of gas compressed to 300 psi, a more realistic pressure. A well-insulated, three-bedroom home takes about 900,000 Btu per day for heating during cold weather. Because 50 percent of the bio-gas goes back into maintaining the necessary temperature of the digester, it would take the manure from 50 cows to produce enough bio-gas each day for home heating. Bio-gas is produced on a relatively constant basis. Most applications are somewhat intermittent; therefore, storage is required. The amount of storage depends on the storage time and pressure. High demand applications, such as grain drying, normally are impractical due to the excessive storage capacity required. HazardsMethane in a concentration of 6 to 15 percent with air is an explosive mixture. Since it is lighter than air, it will collect in rooftops and other enclosed areas. It is relatively odorless and detection may be difficult. Extreme caution and special safety features are necessary in the digester design and storage tank, especially if the gas is compressed.SummaryConcerns for energy conservation, environmental pollution, and the fact that agricultural organic wastes account for a major portion of our waste materials, has created renewed interest in the processing of these wastes for energy recovery.Of the several types of energy capturing processes available, anaerobic digestion appears to be the most feasible for the majority of agricultural operations. Anaerobic digestion can stabilize most agricultural wastes while producing bio-gas or methane gas. This concept has been extensively applied in Europe and India during energy shortages. Similar equipment has been used for gas production with domestic wastes. Primarily, disadvantages are the amount of management required due to the sensitivity of the digesters, the high initial investment required for equipment, and the fact that the wastes still must be disposed of after digestion. Research is in progress to make the process more practical for energy production. Bacteriologists are investigating new strains of bacteria and culturing techniques for producing methane. Engineers are investigating digester designs and operation to reduce construction and operational requirements and costs. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1 R.W. Hansen, former Colorado State University Cooperative Extension specialist and associate professor. 9/92. Reviewed 1/03 by L.R. Walker, Cooperative Extension specialist, chemical and bioresource engineering. |
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
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Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
MY MOM IS THE BEST
---- Original Message -----From: JEBEEN@aol.comTo: JEBEEN@aol.comSent: Monday, January 16, 2006 12:48 AMSubject: 1/15/06
very beautiful msg for all
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
JOKES ON THE START OF THE NEW YEAR
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching
the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the Akashwani that his sister's
8th child is going to kill him. Kansa furious then ordered
to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. When the first son is
born, Kansa kills him by poisoning... second child is born and
Kansa throws him off the mountain peak...third child is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
doubt in mahabharata then how come you have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
The Indian & The Porsche
An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along
too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has
a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Indian looks down in absolute horror "F***ING HELL!!!!!!"
he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
Contributed by Baljit Singh Vijan
Chandragupt Ki Shakti
Meerabai Ki Bhakti
Rajchandra Ka Gyan
Karan Ka Daan
Einstein Ki Buddhi
Nobel Prize Ki Siddhi
Gandhi Ki Ahimsa
India Ki Parampara
Vajpayee Ki Maryada
Nizaam Ki Sampatti
Michael Jordan Ki Salary
Abdul Kalam Ki Vocabulary
Bhagat Singh Ka Deshprem
Sweetheart Ka Amarprem
Microsoft Ke Share
Rupiyo Ke Dher
Tata Ke Senses
Ambani Ke Licenses
Birla Ka Bangla
Daler Ka Bhangra
Rajnikanth Ki Style
Madhuri Ki Smile
Amitabh Ki Personality
Ratan Tata Ki Popularity
Worldtour Ka Ticket
Tendulkar Ka Wicket
Administrator Ke Passwords
Jokes Ke Forwards
Mercedez Ki Car
Diamond Ka Haar
Aur Logon Ka Dher Saraa Pyar Prapt Ho...
-----------------------
Contributed by Rupa Anwar
Baaziger to Bhajigar: Contributed by Tejas Metha
Dialogues:
1) Baaziger:
"Kuch pane ke liye bhi kuch khona padta hai, aur kuch pa kar khone wale ko
Baziger kehte hain".
Bhaji Ghar:
"Pet bharne ke liye kuch khana padta hai , aur kuch khane ki cheezien
bechne wali jaga ko Bhaji Ghar kehte hain."
2) Mohabbatien:
"Ek ladki thi dewani si , Ek ladke pe woh marti thi , nazren jhuka ke ,
sharma ke , galion se guzrti thi , chori chori chupke chupke chitthiyan
likha karti thi, kuch kehna tha shayad us ko , jane kis se darti thi,jab
bhi milti thi mujh se , mujh se poocha karti thi, yeh pyar kaise hota hai , yeh
pyar kaise hota hai , aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha"
Musebatien:
"Ek ladka tha pagal sa, ek moti pe woh marta tha ,
nazrien chupa ke, dar dar ke , date pe jaya karta tha , kuch kehna tha
sayad us ko , magar us moti se darta tha , jab bhi milta tha bechara mujh
se mujh se poocha karta tha , " main chutkara kaise paoooon, main chutkara
kaise paooon", aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha ("abe to aise lafron main
padta hi kyun hai )"
3) Darr:
"kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Kiran"
Marr:
woh: "kkkkk" , samne wala: "kya bhai" , woh: "kkkkkkkk", samne wala : "kya
bhai kya ho gaya", woh: "kkkkkkk", samne wale ne thappad laga di, "kya kab
se kkkkkkkkkk kar raha hai be"
4) Kuch Kuch hota hai:
"Pyar dosti hai , agar woh meri sab se acchi dost nahi ban sakti to main us
se pyaar kar hi nahi sakta"
Kuch Kuch Zaroor ho raha hai:
"Date bahaut zaroori hai , agar woh mere saath date par nahi aa sakti , to
main us se pyaar kya pyaar ka abba bhi nahi kar sakta" (Samajhti kya hai
apne aap ko)"
5)Sholay:
"Are oh samba, Kitne admi the re, hahahaha, Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya"
Tolay:
"Mummmmyyyy, kitne toley hain mere sar main", Mummy : "Jo pakra gaya samjho
mar gaya"
6)Kante:
"Ek din hum sab ko narakh main to jana hi hai , yeh kam karo aur lambi gadi
main jao nahi to pedal"
Chante:
"Ek din hum sab ko date par to jana hi hai , ek kam karo , GF ko bus main
bithao , aur khud jao pedal (Paise bacaho)
7)Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum:
"Parampara Dad, Parampara , pehle aap gaye the phir bhaiya gaye the aur ab
mujhe jana chahiye"
Kabhi tum Kabhi hum:
"Parampara Dad , Parampara, pehle aap date par jate the , phir bhaiya jane
lage , ab main bhi jaooon ga"
Based on a True Story from one of the software firms in Silicon Valley:
contributed by Rupali Patel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director
To all Hindi-speaking staff
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting
our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by
our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our
policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for
emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE
AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI
BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the
verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment.
No project manager, section head or administrator, under any
circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of
determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will
persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or
"MADARCHOD".
Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to
"FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task
is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA", if a
colleague is going through a difficult situation.
Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become
complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say
"FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE
GAND MARUU"?
When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going
through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI"
or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as
"KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI".
Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners
"BADHIR LAVDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not
say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and
dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Director
LA LOO JOKES
* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
Contributed by Smita Baliga
How some Indian marriages start -- The awkward first phone call
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working
in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was
given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's
aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief.
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
(I can't believe he actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron.
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds
like a complete loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year.
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends,
go to movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker,
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have
a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)
Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)
contributed by Smita Baliga
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote:(
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote:)
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss:)
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss:(
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Contributed by Tejas Mehta
>> Kabhi jab tumhara H1 expire ho
>> Green card renewal ka tension shuru ho
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Abhi tumko meri zarurat nahin
>> Bahot bodyshoppers mil jayenge
>> Abhi Y2K ka ek saagar hai USA
>> Jobs jitane chahoge mil jayenge
>>
>> Yeh bodyshoppers tumhe jab satane lage
>> Year 2000 ke problems khatam hone lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Tum young ho, nadaan ho, ambitious ho
>> West is the best mein believe karte ho
>> Pata hai ki tumhe mujhase bahut pyar hai
>> Per paisa kamane ki yehi umra hai
>>
>> Prejudice se jab tum tang aane lage
>> Tumhara junior jab tumhara boss bane
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Biwi-bachche to pahale khush hi honge
>> Dishwasher aur microwave ka kamal hai ye
>> Shopping or sightseeing ki enjoyment hongi
>> Heaven on earth ki feeling karib hongi
>>
>> Bahchche jab dating ki shuruat kare
>> Aur biwi Honda chodke Benz maangane lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
Indian Film Stars and their Answering Machines
----------------------------------------------
Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun,
police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle
ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush
admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya
tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh
diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c
mein msg de dena.
Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to
message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.
AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai,
jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge,
robert helicopter chalu karo !!
Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod
dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi
record karna !
Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda
nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga
Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message
chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa
Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve
patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !
Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka
karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.
Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh
tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....
Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega
Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke
msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he
Pre'm Chopra
KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa!
Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye
ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..
Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE!
Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !
Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg
rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein
rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA
BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate
hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !! Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.
Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan
....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsad
malapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa. Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?
Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me
koi ladki hai kyaaa !
Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message
rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya
Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam
pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS
Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re
kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg
chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ... Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi to
gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."
Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere
liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru
ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
***************************************************************************
>> 1) Ek Sher sunaata hoon bade dhyan se suno
>> Mujhe sher nahi aata kisi aur se suno.
>>
>> 2) Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
>> Pahle trainee tha ab S/W Engr ho gaya hoon
>>
>> 3) VC aaye to VB mein, VB aaye to VC mein daal do
>> seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do
>>
>> 4) Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
>> Are Tankha milti hai aur time pass hota hai.
>>
>> 5) Cheekh Cheekh ke mera gala baith gaya
>> tab jaa ke VB4 manual ka xerox ban gaya
>>
>> 6) Ghayal hai scanner mera , koi dava to dila do
>> Kuch na sahi to bas ek mail - id dila do.
>>
>> 7) Kasam hai dosto tumhe apne apne mail-id ki
>> laga do in projects par baazi apne jaan ki
>>
>> 8) Is 8 mahino me yahan mujhe kuch nahin mila
>> Mail to kya ek visiting card bhi nahi mila.
>>
>> 9) Pyar to tum par mujhe bahut aata hai
>> Par kya karu Tera baap beech mein aata hai
>>
>> 10) Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
>> Laila ghar mein aur majnoo jail mein hote hai
>>
>> 11) Shadi ke pahle - Maine pyar kiya
>> Shadi ke baad - Ye maine kya kiya
>>
>> 12) Bill submit karte karte hum to bor ho gaye
>> Kya karege yaaron hum to 'Bill'able ho gaye
>>
>> 13) Jab tak tu apne dil ki baat mujhe samjhayegi
>> meri shaadi kahin aur ho jayegi
>>
>> 14) Seedha to khada rah Hamesha hilta rahta hai
>> Kuch kaam bhi kar hamesha game khelta hai
>>
>> 15) Gadhe bhi aajkal samajhdaar ho gaye hain
>> use ke saath rah kar Ghode bhi gadhe ho gaye hain
>>
>> 16) Dum aadmi main nahin Cigarette mein hota hai
>> isiliye Cigarette aadmi ko nahin aadmi Cigarette ko peeta hai
>>
>> 17) Pyar mein kisine Dhoka to kisine kasam khayi hai
>> Hum wo majnoo hai jisne sirf laat khayi hai.
>>
>> 18) Unko mere pyar par Ghussa aata hai
>> aur mujhe unke Ghusse par pyar aata hai.
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
A judge irritated by a lawyer's behaviour, admonished him,
"You are crossing the limits."
"Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai," roared the lawyer.
"How dare you call me saala ? I'll have you charged for
'contempt of court'," said the judge angrily.
"My lord misunderstood me," replied the lawyer coolly, "I do not
call you saala, all I said was kaun sa law aisa kehta hai...
Contributors name withheld on request
A sardar PHd in Atomic Physics goes for an Interview all the way from
Chandigarh to Delhi for the post of a Prof. Once he reaches there he
is told that the vacancy is already filled and that he can go back.
The Sardar insists that he be interviewed. After much ado,
the interviewer agrees to interview the Sardar and says,
"I will ask you 2 questions and both the questions have 2 parts. If you
answer majority, i.e., 3 out of the 4 questions, I will employ you
even at the cost of the selected candidate."
The sardar agrees. The Interview goes like this:
Interviewer (IVR) : "Koo Chug Chug... Kya hai?"
Perplexed Sardar(PS) : "Saab yeh to Train hai"
IVR: "Excellent. Woh Shatabdi tha ki Rajdhani?"
Zapped PS : "Yeh Kaise batha sakthe hain??"
IVR : "Please Sardarji, I am the one to ask questions. Give answers only."
PS : "O.K. Aapne badi jaldi Jaldi Chug Chug bole, tho it must be Shatabdi."
IVR : "Nahi Sardarji, woh Rajdani tha. Koi baath nahin, do our sawaal hain.
Aap theek se jawab denge tho naukri mil jayegee."
IVR (showing his hand like an aeroplane taking off) :
"Yeh kya hai: ZZZzzzzzz00000mmmm."
PS : Yeh tho aerplane hain saab.
IVR : "Excellent sardarji! Yeh last sawaal ka jawab dedenge tho Naukri aapki hi hai.
Woh Indian Airlines tha ki Jet Aiways??"
PS : "Saab aap ajeeb sa sawwal phoochthe ho. Anyway Aap ne badi Uncha haath dikaye they,
isliye, woh Indian Airline Hogi?"
IVR : "Sorry sardarji, woh Jet Tha. Koi Baath Nahin. Aap ne do saie jawaab diye.
Ek aur saie jawaab diye hote tho mein aap ko eh naukri de detha."
An Obviously bugged sardarji said : "Koi baath nahin saab, mein bhi aap se do sawaal
phoochna chahunga. Aap jawab dedenge tho samjunga ki aap ne teek interview liya."
A rather happy IVR said : "Teek hai sardarji poocho."
PS (after making a oval shape with his index and middlfinger and showing it to IVR): "Yeh Kya hai?"
A zapped IVR : "Yeh kya kar rahe ho sardarji?"
PS : "Ab, mein sawaal phoochrahahun. Aap jawwab deejiye."
IVR : "Yeh to Chooth Hein."
PS : "Yeh aapki MAA ki ya Behan Ki?"
Contributed by Jaikishan Rajani
Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff,
"OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise,
shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still
skeptical.After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W.
spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still
not totally convinced. After they leave the White
house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland,
and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Santa says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time
Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What
happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with
Santa Singh?"
Contributed by Sumita Gope
Desi Broken English Dialogues
-----------------------------
I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author and is printed with his permission
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to
each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who
ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
***********************************************************************
Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town
Date: Nav Do Gyarah
My Dear Anamica':
You must be surprised to receive this Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
Pahechan' to you as Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
Awaara', I am also your Deewana'.
I am making you a Prarthna' to enter my Zindagi' as a Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
Dream Girl' with Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by Tyag' or to go the Rangeela' way.
Wouldn't you like to be Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will Guide' me in Bahar' as we are made for Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.
We will live in Naya Zamana' where we will have a Suhana Safar'. In this
Himalay Ki God Mein', our Bandhan' is going to tied with Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but Anand' in Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored of Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this Baazigar' be your
Boy Friend' and we start Pehli Mohabbat'. This Chahat' is going to lead
to a Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, Phir Kab Miloge' as Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our Mulakat' will be An Evening in Paris'.
Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'
Prem Pujari'
***********************************************************************
This joke was contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
*************************************************************************
Mudhkar jara idhar bhi dekh jalim, ke tamanna hum bhi rakhte hai
Chut tere paas hai to kya, lund hum bhi rakhte hai!
Ehsan kissika kya lena, hum to muth pe guzara karte hai
Jab bhi yaad unki aati hai, ooth ooth dubara karte hai!
Dil to diya hai tuje, magar ek shart lagayi hai
Leni hai woh cheez, jo tune tango me chheepayee hai!
Sher kahe, shayri kahe, ya gaye koi gana
Teri nani pair oothye, choude mera nana!
Koun kehta hai ki lund yahan mutneko aata hai
Woh to chut ki yaad me aansu bahane aata hai!
Chut se jab khoon behne laga
Mirza Galib samje, bhonsada paan khane laga!
Har roz aadaab, aadaab kahatee thee
Jab aa dabayaa toh khafa ho gayee!
*************************************************************************
contributed by HumorIndia@aol.com
This joke my be a little crude for some of you out there.
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets
of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he
could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control
himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me......"
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of
grass, flowers and singing birds around........
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is
this Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
contributed by Lars Schumann
the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the Akashwani that his sister's
8th child is going to kill him. Kansa furious then ordered
to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. When the first son is
born, Kansa kills him by poisoning... second child is born and
Kansa throws him off the mountain peak...third child is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
doubt in mahabharata then how come you have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
The Indian & The Porsche
An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along
too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has
a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Indian looks down in absolute horror "F***ING HELL!!!!!!"
he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
Contributed by Baljit Singh Vijan
Chandragupt Ki Shakti
Meerabai Ki Bhakti
Rajchandra Ka Gyan
Karan Ka Daan
Einstein Ki Buddhi
Nobel Prize Ki Siddhi
Gandhi Ki Ahimsa
India Ki Parampara
Vajpayee Ki Maryada
Nizaam Ki Sampatti
Michael Jordan Ki Salary
Abdul Kalam Ki Vocabulary
Bhagat Singh Ka Deshprem
Sweetheart Ka Amarprem
Microsoft Ke Share
Rupiyo Ke Dher
Tata Ke Senses
Ambani Ke Licenses
Birla Ka Bangla
Daler Ka Bhangra
Rajnikanth Ki Style
Madhuri Ki Smile
Amitabh Ki Personality
Ratan Tata Ki Popularity
Worldtour Ka Ticket
Tendulkar Ka Wicket
Administrator Ke Passwords
Jokes Ke Forwards
Mercedez Ki Car
Diamond Ka Haar
Aur Logon Ka Dher Saraa Pyar Prapt Ho...
-----------------------
Contributed by Rupa Anwar
Baaziger to Bhajigar: Contributed by Tejas Metha
Dialogues:
1) Baaziger:
"Kuch pane ke liye bhi kuch khona padta hai, aur kuch pa kar khone wale ko
Baziger kehte hain".
Bhaji Ghar:
"Pet bharne ke liye kuch khana padta hai , aur kuch khane ki cheezien
bechne wali jaga ko Bhaji Ghar kehte hain."
2) Mohabbatien:
"Ek ladki thi dewani si , Ek ladke pe woh marti thi , nazren jhuka ke ,
sharma ke , galion se guzrti thi , chori chori chupke chupke chitthiyan
likha karti thi, kuch kehna tha shayad us ko , jane kis se darti thi,jab
bhi milti thi mujh se , mujh se poocha karti thi, yeh pyar kaise hota hai , yeh
pyar kaise hota hai , aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha"
Musebatien:
"Ek ladka tha pagal sa, ek moti pe woh marta tha ,
nazrien chupa ke, dar dar ke , date pe jaya karta tha , kuch kehna tha
sayad us ko , magar us moti se darta tha , jab bhi milta tha bechara mujh
se mujh se poocha karta tha , " main chutkara kaise paoooon, main chutkara
kaise paooon", aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha ("abe to aise lafron main
padta hi kyun hai )"
3) Darr:
"kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Kiran"
Marr:
woh: "kkkkk" , samne wala: "kya bhai" , woh: "kkkkkkkk", samne wala : "kya
bhai kya ho gaya", woh: "kkkkkkk", samne wale ne thappad laga di, "kya kab
se kkkkkkkkkk kar raha hai be"
4) Kuch Kuch hota hai:
"Pyar dosti hai , agar woh meri sab se acchi dost nahi ban sakti to main us
se pyaar kar hi nahi sakta"
Kuch Kuch Zaroor ho raha hai:
"Date bahaut zaroori hai , agar woh mere saath date par nahi aa sakti , to
main us se pyaar kya pyaar ka abba bhi nahi kar sakta" (Samajhti kya hai
apne aap ko)"
5)Sholay:
"Are oh samba, Kitne admi the re, hahahaha, Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya"
Tolay:
"Mummmmyyyy, kitne toley hain mere sar main", Mummy : "Jo pakra gaya samjho
mar gaya"
6)Kante:
"Ek din hum sab ko narakh main to jana hi hai , yeh kam karo aur lambi gadi
main jao nahi to pedal"
Chante:
"Ek din hum sab ko date par to jana hi hai , ek kam karo , GF ko bus main
bithao , aur khud jao pedal (Paise bacaho)
7)Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum:
"Parampara Dad, Parampara , pehle aap gaye the phir bhaiya gaye the aur ab
mujhe jana chahiye"
Kabhi tum Kabhi hum:
"Parampara Dad , Parampara, pehle aap date par jate the , phir bhaiya jane
lage , ab main bhi jaooon ga"
Based on a True Story from one of the software firms in Silicon Valley:
contributed by Rupali Patel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director
To all Hindi-speaking staff
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting
our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by
our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our
policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for
emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE
AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI
BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the
verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment.
No project manager, section head or administrator, under any
circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of
determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will
persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or
"MADARCHOD".
Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to
"FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task
is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA", if a
colleague is going through a difficult situation.
Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become
complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say
"FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE
GAND MARUU"?
When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going
through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI"
or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as
"KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI".
Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners
"BADHIR LAVDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not
say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and
dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Director
LA LOO JOKES
* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
Contributed by Smita Baliga
How some Indian marriages start -- The awkward first phone call
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working
in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was
given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's
aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief.
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
(I can't believe he actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron.
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds
like a complete loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year.
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends,
go to movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker,
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have
a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)
Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)
contributed by Smita Baliga
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote:(
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote:)
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss:)
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss:(
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Contributed by Tejas Mehta
>> Kabhi jab tumhara H1 expire ho
>> Green card renewal ka tension shuru ho
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Abhi tumko meri zarurat nahin
>> Bahot bodyshoppers mil jayenge
>> Abhi Y2K ka ek saagar hai USA
>> Jobs jitane chahoge mil jayenge
>>
>> Yeh bodyshoppers tumhe jab satane lage
>> Year 2000 ke problems khatam hone lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Tum young ho, nadaan ho, ambitious ho
>> West is the best mein believe karte ho
>> Pata hai ki tumhe mujhase bahut pyar hai
>> Per paisa kamane ki yehi umra hai
>>
>> Prejudice se jab tum tang aane lage
>> Tumhara junior jab tumhara boss bane
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Biwi-bachche to pahale khush hi honge
>> Dishwasher aur microwave ka kamal hai ye
>> Shopping or sightseeing ki enjoyment hongi
>> Heaven on earth ki feeling karib hongi
>>
>> Bahchche jab dating ki shuruat kare
>> Aur biwi Honda chodke Benz maangane lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
Indian Film Stars and their Answering Machines
----------------------------------------------
Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun,
police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle
ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush
admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya
tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh
diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c
mein msg de dena.
Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to
message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.
AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai,
jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge,
robert helicopter chalu karo !!
Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod
dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi
record karna !
Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda
nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga
Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message
chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa
Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve
patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !
Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka
karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.
Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh
tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....
Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega
Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke
msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he
Pre'm Chopra
KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa!
Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye
ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..
Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE!
Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !
Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg
rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein
rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA
BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate
hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !! Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.
Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan
....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsad
malapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa. Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?
Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me
koi ladki hai kyaaa !
Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message
rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya
Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam
pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS
Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re
kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg
chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ... Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi to
gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."
Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere
liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru
ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
***************************************************************************
>> 1) Ek Sher sunaata hoon bade dhyan se suno
>> Mujhe sher nahi aata kisi aur se suno.
>>
>> 2) Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
>> Pahle trainee tha ab S/W Engr ho gaya hoon
>>
>> 3) VC aaye to VB mein, VB aaye to VC mein daal do
>> seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do
>>
>> 4) Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
>> Are Tankha milti hai aur time pass hota hai.
>>
>> 5) Cheekh Cheekh ke mera gala baith gaya
>> tab jaa ke VB4 manual ka xerox ban gaya
>>
>> 6) Ghayal hai scanner mera , koi dava to dila do
>> Kuch na sahi to bas ek mail - id dila do.
>>
>> 7) Kasam hai dosto tumhe apne apne mail-id ki
>> laga do in projects par baazi apne jaan ki
>>
>> 8) Is 8 mahino me yahan mujhe kuch nahin mila
>> Mail to kya ek visiting card bhi nahi mila.
>>
>> 9) Pyar to tum par mujhe bahut aata hai
>> Par kya karu Tera baap beech mein aata hai
>>
>> 10) Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
>> Laila ghar mein aur majnoo jail mein hote hai
>>
>> 11) Shadi ke pahle - Maine pyar kiya
>> Shadi ke baad - Ye maine kya kiya
>>
>> 12) Bill submit karte karte hum to bor ho gaye
>> Kya karege yaaron hum to 'Bill'able ho gaye
>>
>> 13) Jab tak tu apne dil ki baat mujhe samjhayegi
>> meri shaadi kahin aur ho jayegi
>>
>> 14) Seedha to khada rah Hamesha hilta rahta hai
>> Kuch kaam bhi kar hamesha game khelta hai
>>
>> 15) Gadhe bhi aajkal samajhdaar ho gaye hain
>> use ke saath rah kar Ghode bhi gadhe ho gaye hain
>>
>> 16) Dum aadmi main nahin Cigarette mein hota hai
>> isiliye Cigarette aadmi ko nahin aadmi Cigarette ko peeta hai
>>
>> 17) Pyar mein kisine Dhoka to kisine kasam khayi hai
>> Hum wo majnoo hai jisne sirf laat khayi hai.
>>
>> 18) Unko mere pyar par Ghussa aata hai
>> aur mujhe unke Ghusse par pyar aata hai.
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
A judge irritated by a lawyer's behaviour, admonished him,
"You are crossing the limits."
"Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai," roared the lawyer.
"How dare you call me saala ? I'll have you charged for
'contempt of court'," said the judge angrily.
"My lord misunderstood me," replied the lawyer coolly, "I do not
call you saala, all I said was kaun sa law aisa kehta hai...
Contributors name withheld on request
A sardar PHd in Atomic Physics goes for an Interview all the way from
Chandigarh to Delhi for the post of a Prof. Once he reaches there he
is told that the vacancy is already filled and that he can go back.
The Sardar insists that he be interviewed. After much ado,
the interviewer agrees to interview the Sardar and says,
"I will ask you 2 questions and both the questions have 2 parts. If you
answer majority, i.e., 3 out of the 4 questions, I will employ you
even at the cost of the selected candidate."
The sardar agrees. The Interview goes like this:
Interviewer (IVR) : "Koo Chug Chug... Kya hai?"
Perplexed Sardar(PS) : "Saab yeh to Train hai"
IVR: "Excellent. Woh Shatabdi tha ki Rajdhani?"
Zapped PS : "Yeh Kaise batha sakthe hain??"
IVR : "Please Sardarji, I am the one to ask questions. Give answers only."
PS : "O.K. Aapne badi jaldi Jaldi Chug Chug bole, tho it must be Shatabdi."
IVR : "Nahi Sardarji, woh Rajdani tha. Koi baath nahin, do our sawaal hain.
Aap theek se jawab denge tho naukri mil jayegee."
IVR (showing his hand like an aeroplane taking off) :
"Yeh kya hai: ZZZzzzzzz00000mmmm."
PS : Yeh tho aerplane hain saab.
IVR : "Excellent sardarji! Yeh last sawaal ka jawab dedenge tho Naukri aapki hi hai.
Woh Indian Airlines tha ki Jet Aiways??"
PS : "Saab aap ajeeb sa sawwal phoochthe ho. Anyway Aap ne badi Uncha haath dikaye they,
isliye, woh Indian Airline Hogi?"
IVR : "Sorry sardarji, woh Jet Tha. Koi Baath Nahin. Aap ne do saie jawaab diye.
Ek aur saie jawaab diye hote tho mein aap ko eh naukri de detha."
An Obviously bugged sardarji said : "Koi baath nahin saab, mein bhi aap se do sawaal
phoochna chahunga. Aap jawab dedenge tho samjunga ki aap ne teek interview liya."
A rather happy IVR said : "Teek hai sardarji poocho."
PS (after making a oval shape with his index and middlfinger and showing it to IVR): "Yeh Kya hai?"
A zapped IVR : "Yeh kya kar rahe ho sardarji?"
PS : "Ab, mein sawaal phoochrahahun. Aap jawwab deejiye."
IVR : "Yeh to Chooth Hein."
PS : "Yeh aapki MAA ki ya Behan Ki?"
Contributed by Jaikishan Rajani
Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff,
"OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise,
shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still
skeptical.After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W.
spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still
not totally convinced. After they leave the White
house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland,
and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Santa says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time
Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What
happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with
Santa Singh?"
Contributed by Sumita Gope
Desi Broken English Dialogues
-----------------------------
I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author and is printed with his permission
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to
each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who
ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
***********************************************************************
Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town
Date: Nav Do Gyarah
My Dear Anamica':
You must be surprised to receive this Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
Pahechan' to you as Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
Awaara', I am also your Deewana'.
I am making you a Prarthna' to enter my Zindagi' as a Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
Dream Girl' with Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by Tyag' or to go the Rangeela' way.
Wouldn't you like to be Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will Guide' me in Bahar' as we are made for Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.
We will live in Naya Zamana' where we will have a Suhana Safar'. In this
Himalay Ki God Mein', our Bandhan' is going to tied with Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but Anand' in Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored of Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this Baazigar' be your
Boy Friend' and we start Pehli Mohabbat'. This Chahat' is going to lead
to a Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, Phir Kab Miloge' as Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our Mulakat' will be An Evening in Paris'.
Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'
Prem Pujari'
***********************************************************************
This joke was contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
*************************************************************************
Mudhkar jara idhar bhi dekh jalim, ke tamanna hum bhi rakhte hai
Chut tere paas hai to kya, lund hum bhi rakhte hai!
Ehsan kissika kya lena, hum to muth pe guzara karte hai
Jab bhi yaad unki aati hai, ooth ooth dubara karte hai!
Dil to diya hai tuje, magar ek shart lagayi hai
Leni hai woh cheez, jo tune tango me chheepayee hai!
Sher kahe, shayri kahe, ya gaye koi gana
Teri nani pair oothye, choude mera nana!
Koun kehta hai ki lund yahan mutneko aata hai
Woh to chut ki yaad me aansu bahane aata hai!
Chut se jab khoon behne laga
Mirza Galib samje, bhonsada paan khane laga!
Har roz aadaab, aadaab kahatee thee
Jab aa dabayaa toh khafa ho gayee!
*************************************************************************
contributed by HumorIndia@aol.com
This joke my be a little crude for some of you out there.
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets
of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he
could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control
himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me......"
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of
grass, flowers and singing birds around........
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is
this Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
contributed by Lars Schumann
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
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