ONE LINERS

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.

"Dual Airbags"

Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad."

A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Lorena Bobbit for White House Intern.

Life is sexually transmitted

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself

There are two types of pedestrians...the quick and the dead

A closed mouth gathers no feet

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

Don't blame me. I'm only doing what my Rice Crispies told me to do.

My child was inmate of the month at the county jail

My kid beat up your honor student

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR"

If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Fight crime, shoot back!

If only men could be as satisfying as chocolate

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas

The best things in life are free plus tax

If Clinton's answer is yes, than it must have been a realy stupid question.

Skydivers: Good to the last drop

Why do they let semi-drivers drive big trucks?

Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?

The grass is always greener on TV

Easier said than sung in Russian

Smile and the world audits your taxes.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

What's the number for 911?

My REALITY CHECK Bounced.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.