Tonites Jokes

Two friends were walking, when they saw two married

women.

First friend says, "My wife and my girl friend both are coming together."

The second friend quickly says, "The same thing I was going to tell you".

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A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant

you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish

for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most

beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the

world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's

his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,

"I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop

here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to

show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after

our advise to stop!

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Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?

Doctor: Ye jo tumahra opeartion hai who mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye yeh mala, nahi to tumhare liye.

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Q: How many contractors are required to change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium?

A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)

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I think so there will be only one sport this year in CWG 2010... swimming.... since Delhi is flooded

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Ajeet thoroughly disgusted with Mona darrling's typing.

Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?

Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

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One night, Banta was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Banta and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Banta put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Banta's pockets and searched him, All the thief could find on Banta was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Banta why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Banta replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!"

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1. Only in Britain......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well.

"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

2. During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.

3. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.

4. Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

5. Nobody can fix the economy.

Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.

Nobody's perfect.

Vote for Nobody.

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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"

"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!!

What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."