SUNDAY JOKES

james bond

James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond. His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences till he meets our great Hyderabad guy.



When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy......



James Bond: "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says)....James Bond."



James Bond: And you?



Telugu Guy: I am Sai...



Venkata Sai...



Siva Venkata Sai...



Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....



Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai...



Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai.....



Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....



Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara SrinivasuluLaxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....



James Bond faints!!!

================================

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate
me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

==============================

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

*****
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my
grandpa who died peacefuly
in his sleep not screamin like all d passengers
in d car he was driving..
> >
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what
you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a
mirror! ( hahahahahah )
> >
> >
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a
graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still digging for more..
> >
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in
the morning.
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not
AM''.

> >
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last
words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"
-- =================================

A girl went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Coach : Mam, here two piece costume is not allowed.
Girl : Kaun sa Utaroon? !!!

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One day a man goes to bank for withdrawing cash.
Lady cashier asked: So so ke loge?
Man replied: Khade khade bhi chalega.

*******************************************************************************
A Girl lodging a FIR report against the Rapist
Girl : Inspector saab,

char mein ek ne mere breast pakde,
ek ne meri gand mari,
ek ne choda,
ek ne chooma.
Inspector : Bus kar, FIR likha rahi hai....
Ya land khada kar rahi hai.

*******************************************************************************

A lady lost 3 panties in her house.
She asked her husband but he didn't know.
Husband asked maid.
Maid replied: Saab, aapko to maloom hai mai aandar
kuchh nahi pahanti.

*******************************************************************************

Man went to a bakery & asks
MAN : Abe pau hai kya?
BAKERYWALA : To kya madarchod, lund pe khada hu kya?

*******************************************************************************

A Lady dashes a man while getting in the bus ...
Man : Apne santre sambhaliye ma'm, they disturb me.
Lady : (Angrily) Tumko kya, santre mere hai na.
Man : Haan par juice to mera nikal raha hai.
*******************************************************************************

Saas aur bahu me hamesha anban kyo?
Kyonki jis ladke ki underwear saas ne 25 saal sambhali
Who bahu ne 2 minute me utari.
*******************************************************************************

Teacher: Kya cheez muh mein nahin leni chahiye.
Student: Jalta hua bulb
Teacher: Why ?
Student: kal raat ko mummy papa se keh rdhi thi "Bulb
bujha do to muh mein loongi"

*******************************************************************************

Sardar : How u got pregnant without me?
Wife : I was praying ur ID photo daily.
Sardar : Chutiya banati hai, photo to passport size ka
hai, samaan kahan hai?
*******************************************************************************

Sardar with big tummy go for walk in lungi.
One girl jokingly ask : Ye matka kitne ka?
He lift lungi & says : Nul ke saath 450 ka.
*******************************************************************************

A sardar havin sex with his wife when his condom went
in.
wife asked: Ab kya hoga?
Sardar: kuchh nahi, bachcha pagdi ke saath aaega.
*******************************************************************************

Sardar : Maine ladka maanga tha ladki kaise ho gayi?
Sardarni : Tumhare bharose rahati to ye bhi nahi hoti.

*******************************************************************************

A sardar gave 36 roses to his GF, who thrilled,
undresses lies down spreads her legs & says: "This is
for the roses."
Sardar: "Why, cant you find a vase."

*******************************************************************************

A crow shits on a sardar, sardarni hands over tissue
to sardarji.
Sardar says: Ab kiski gaand ponchhu, kawwa to udd
gaya.
*******************************************************************************

Sardar : Lets try something different. Do it in ears.
Sardarni : Hohji, main behra ho gayi to?
Sardar : Aaj tak goongi hui kya?

*******************************************************************************

(A man visits his doctor and.....)
Man : Doc, mera khada nahi hota hai.
Doctor : do u have girlfriend?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u visit pros?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u go for mujra?
Man : No
Doctor : To khada karke uspar kya coat taangega?

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*****

At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are
next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at
funerals...!!

*****

Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.

*****

Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

*****
morning dialogue:
Banta, "Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years
younger."
Preeto, "But can you shave in the evening then?"

*****

Beware of Indian moms

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl
roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's, roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his
mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your
mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact
remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that
you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now
under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your
Mother...........especially if
she is Indian !
----payal

=====================================

Brought it on Yourself

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please standup?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, onefreshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to seeyou standing up there all by yourself."
---------------------------------
Idiots

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears". The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

===================================

Fishing?

This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake,
sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped
at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones
out and throw them at
me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught
them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange
roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said
that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."

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PUNISHMENT
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle
from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so
funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
------------======================

Sign

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

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