Lemons and Parrots
Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans,
admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me --
seven times."
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read
the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Job.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis. Our prayers have been answered!
--
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Ho Ho Ho
Ho Ho Ho
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on
a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous
redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill
away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to
the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an
even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay,
Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
--
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust
took vun bite and vent blind!"
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The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did Excel spreadsheets. They wrote report in Word. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded & uploaded. They did some genealogy & internet reports. They made greeting cards. They did every known job and task.
But, ten minutes before time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky. Thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blue blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it""
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
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