From: "Rajiv Agarwal" <rajiv_grwl@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: (rajiv_grwl) try ur wits..
1. man
-----------
board
Ans. = man overboard
2. stand
-----------
i
Ans. = I understand
ok?....get the drift?
Let's try a few now & see how you fare
3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
4. r
r o a d
a
d
Ans. = cross road
5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. = tricycle
6.
t
o
w
n
Ans. = downtown
7.
le /
/ vel
/
Ans. = split level
8 ... 0
------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
9. knee
------------
light
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
10. ii ii
-----------
O O
Ans. = circles under the eyes
11. dice
dice
Ans. = paradise
12. t
o
u
c
h
Ans. = touchdown
13. ground
---------------
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
Ans. = six feet underground
14. he's / himself
Ans. = he's by himself
15. ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
16. death / life
Ans. = life after death
17 THINK
Ans. think big !!
and the last one is fun............
18. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
Ans. long time no 'c'(see)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Excellent Time pass...............
Naughty Little Johnny
1.The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the
class the
following question, "What is bright red and shiny?". Little Johnny
jumped
up and shouted, "A fire engine !!!!???" No! No!" said the teacher, "
But I
like the way you think.. anyone else?" Little Susan replied that it
was an
apple and everyone was happy except Johnny of course.. Anyway, Little
Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded
OK.
"What is long, hard,rounded and has hair at one end?" "JOHNNY!!!" she
screamed,"WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..." Johnny
replied, "No,it's a
toothbrush, but I like the way you think"..
======================================================================
=================
2.Confused Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that Johnny is having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, "please sit
down
and have a talk with Johnny about this?" So Johnny's mother takes him
by
the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.."First,
Johnny, you
take off my blouse...." so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it
off.. "Ok,
now take off my skirt...." ..and he takes off her skirt.. "Now take
off my
bra...."...which he does.. "and now, Johnny, please take off my
panties.."
..and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE
don't
wear any of my clothes to school again!"
======================================================================
=================
3.Math Class Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when
his teacher picked him to answer a question.. "Johnny, if there were 5
birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be
left?" "None", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,
the
answer is 4", said the teacher. "but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny retaliated. "I have a question for you now. If there
were
three women eating ice cream cones
in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third
one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher
nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little
Johnny,
"the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you
are
thinking.."
======================================================================
=================
4. What is it? One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of
fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a fruit, and
you
tell what fruit I'm talking about." Okay, first: it's round, plumb and
red." Of course, Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher
wisely
ignored him and picked little Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the
second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.." Well, Johnny is
hopping
up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But
she
skips him again and calls on Little Billy.. "Is it a peach?" "No,
Billy,
I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.." Here's another:
it's
long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as
he
waves his hand frantically.. But the teacher skips him again and
calls on
little Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a
squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.. "Hey, I've
got
one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got
it:
it's round, hard, and its got a head on it." ."Johnny!" she
cries. "That's
disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your
thinking"
======================================================================
=================
5.What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud
noises coming from his parents' bedroom.He got out of bed and walked
down
the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the
hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on..
Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used
condom.. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.. His father
looked around nervously
wondering what he could tell his son.. "I, um, I'm just checking out
the
bathroom for mice." replied his father..Johnny looked at his father in
extreme puzzlement and said, "What you gonna do when you find them ?
f**k
them?"
======================================================================
=================
Not Another Word Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after
she
had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I
was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the
room with
the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and
then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and
said,
"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want
you to
tell him exactly
what you've just told me." Father comes home and the wife tells him
that
she's leaving him. "But why?" he croaks. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell
Daddy just
what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your
closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got
undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of
her..." "...and
they did just what you did last week, Mommy, with Uncle Bob".
======================================================================
=================
Heaven Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day,
the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
heaven
first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind
goes to
heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.
He
says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all
about
love." "That is so beautiful, Billy", praises the teacher. The teacher
looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she
thought, "I'm not
gonna like this..Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think
goes to
heaven first?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet." The teacher
(relieved)
asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.. He
replied, "Well,
I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her
feet
up in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
======================================================================
=================
Pass or Fail Johnny missed his final exams due to the flu, but he'd
done so
well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that
they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The
principal
agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained, then the
teacher
asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs." The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have
in
your pants that i don't have in my pants?" Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The
teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital ofItaly?" Johnny replied.
" Rome." The teacher turned to the principal and
asked, "Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask
me, I
got the first two wrong"
======================================================================
=================
Harassment Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence. Johnny:Her mouth
said
'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.
======================================================================
=================
Loaf of Bread Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store
to get
a loaf of bread..Little Johnny's is coming home from the store
swinging the
loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket..
Along
comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to
say something from the Bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little
Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny, that you have the Stuff of
Life in
one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A
loaf of
bread, Father".
======================================================================
=================
Bet It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father
looked
up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but
that he
was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch
money
from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did
not seem
disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems
and
was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly
after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things
were
going. "Oh, everything is going very well" she said. "I I think I may
have
cured little Jhnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what
had
happened. "He absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I
had a
mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him
to
the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole." "Crap!" The
father
said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the
teacher's
bare butt before the day was over."
======================================================================
=================
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her
cleavage.She
asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about
you,jonny?" "Milk!"
answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong
answer. "Roses
drink water,"explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I
didn't know
the stem was that long!"
======================================================================
=================
Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a
keyhole
at their parents making love "Wow, look at them! And we are not
allowed
even to stick a finger in our nose!"
======================================================================
=================
Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each
other."Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny."Well, the one below
has
relaxed and the one above has concentrated." "Okay, I've understood."
"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically. "Never
relax in
your life, dad, or you'll get f**ked like a dog!"
======================================================================
=================
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what are
those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny
to
ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be
forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his
father
the same question. His father, always ready with the answers,
says,"Why
Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up
and
she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more
questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few
hours
early. Johnny runs out of the house crying
hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm
down
son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?""Uncle Harry is blowing up
Mommy's
balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"
======================================================================
=================
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is
definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray,or
orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry,
but in
the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the
class
stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks
horrified
and says..."Johnny! of course not!!!" "OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit
my
pants..."
======================================================================
=================
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He
decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering
their
room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Mommy,
daddy, what
are you doing?" Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!" So
Johnny
decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets
going
up-and-down. Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:"
Get
out! We are playing cards!" Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his
own
room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and
grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so
decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the
blankets
going up-and-down. "Johnny! What are you doing??!!" Johnny:" I'm
playing
cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?" Johnny: "With a hand like
this,
who needs a partner?"
======================================================================
=================
Not Johnny but Japani!
It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the
son
of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,
reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me
death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who
had
his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of
the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,1863."The
teacher
snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is
new to
our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a
loud
whisper: "F-----g Japanese.""Who said that?" she demanded.Suzuki put
his
hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," @ that point, a student in the back
sighed,
"I'm gonna puke!" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said
that?" Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out
of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,"Bill Clinton,
to
Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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