JOKES TO LESSEN YOUR TENSION.....

: JOKES TO LESSEN YOUR TENSION.....


> Story
>
> Sam appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce from his wife,
> Anni. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell
> me why you are seeking a divorce."
>
> "Because," Sam says, "I live in a three-story house."
>
> The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal
> about a three-story house?"
>
> Sam answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the
> second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story
> is, ..." NO..we'll wake the children. ".
>
> ======================
> How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths
> in Recorded History
> Francis Bacon:
>
> One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A
> statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even
> rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
>
> How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
>
> One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by
> the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in
> the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a
> chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in
> the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The
> ong>chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
> =======================
> Aeschylus:
>
> A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the
> father of Greek tragedies.
>
> How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
>
> According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack
> them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head
> for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
>
> - --------------------
> chinese torture
>
> One day, a man was driving down the road in the country where they is no
> electricity or anything, when suddenly, his car breaks down. So, he goes
to
> the nearest farm house, knocks at the door and is greeted by an oriental
> man, He says, "Hi, my car broke down. Can I stay here for the night, and
> walk to town in the morning?"
>
> The farmer says, "Sure. Just one thing. DO NOT *TOUCH* my daughter, or I
> will administer the three worst Chinese tortures know to man."
>
> The guy thinks, "No problems" and says "OK" and goes in.
>
> Later, at supper, he gets to meet the farmers daughter, and man is she
> gorgeous! Not only that, but she is obviously attracted to him. After
> supper, the farmer shows the man to his room. In the middle of the night,
> the man sneaks into the daughter's room, and they, (as quietly as
possible)
> make love for hours. Then the man sneaks back into his room, exhausted,
> thinking, "There, didn't even get caught".
>
> Well, in the morning, the guy wakes up and finds about a 6" rock on his
> chest. There is note on it that says, "Chinese torture #1, large rock on
> chest."
>
> The guys thinks to himself, "HA!" And throws it out the open window. It
was
> then that he noticed a string tied to it. It said, "Chinese torture #2,
rock
> tied to left testicle."
>
> In his panic, the guy jumps out the window, thinking a broken leg is
better
> than the alternative.
>
> Then on his way down to the ground he sees a sign that says, "Chinese
> torture #3, right testicle tied to bedpost."
> ======================
> A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and
> immediately she suggests that they do "69."
>
> "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
>
> Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between
> your legs, and you put your head between mine."
>
> Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
> moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets
> loose a rip-roaring fart!
>
> "What was that for?" he asks.
>
> "Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position
> again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put
> his coat on.
>
> "Wait, where are you going??" she asks.
>
> The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're
> crazy!!"
> ==========================
> Teacher Arrested
>
> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be
a
> public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
> possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
> calculator.
> When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted
> us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
> fingers and toes."
> ---------------------------------
> The Note
>
> Old George's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't
> look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something
> to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper,
> and George uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
>
> The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he
> places it in his jacket pocket.
>
> At George's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes
> he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when George died.
>
> "George handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked
> at it, but knowing George, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it
> for us all."
>
> Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen
tube"
> ===========================
> The Rabbi's Visit ...
>
> Rabbi Visit
>
> A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
> synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
> faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent
> health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see
you
> at services anymore?"
>
> The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When
I
> got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95,
> then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've
> forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
> *******************************************************************
> ............................
>
> "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
>
> "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.
>
> The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to
> put your hand in front of your mouth."
>
> "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
>
> .............................
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