how 2 kill lion?
Yash Chopra (Indian Film Director's) method:
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save ! the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George Bush Junior's method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save ! the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George Bush Junior's method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
=========================
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my elderly aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my elderly aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOG GAMES
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
---------------------------------
If you come over to my place and see dust an inch thick, dirty laundry and ironing piled high, blame it on my mother... She always told me: "If you can't do a job right, don't do it at all!"
...............................
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
...........................
Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could fit inside Noah's ark.
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power tool.
.......................
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended
up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his
shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three
days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
.......................
A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby
and four children under the age of five.
"I want a divorce," she said.
"On what grounds?" he asked.
"Desertion, sir," she said.
"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young
children.
"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and
then to apologize."
...........................
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
---------------------------------
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
---------------------------------
If you come over to my place and see dust an inch thick, dirty laundry and ironing piled high, blame it on my mother... She always told me: "If you can't do a job right, don't do it at all!"
...............................
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
...........................
Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could fit inside Noah's ark.
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power tool.
.......................
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended
up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his
shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three
days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
.......................
A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby
and four children under the age of five.
"I want a divorce," she said.
"On what grounds?" he asked.
"Desertion, sir," she said.
"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young
children.
"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and
then to apologize."
...........................
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
---------------------------------
A seaman, returning to his ship very drunk one night, fell off the gangplank and landed in the bay between the ship and the dock. The officer on watch yelled loudly, "Man overboard!" The sailor, treading water below, yelled back, "Tell me where he is and I'll rescue him."
=======================
=======================
Bear Hunting
A man searching for the perfect bearskin was directed into the hills
to a wild mountain man. "I want three perfect bear skins - must be
perfect, and I will pay top price to get them," he told the mountain
man. They agreed upon a price, so the two, with the wildman's dog,
set off into the hills. Soon the dog was on the trail and had a large
bear up a tall tree. The dog was going mad tearing at the bark trying
to get up the tree to the bear.
The mountain man placed his rifle down and said, "Stand back, watch
this." He started shaking the tree, the dog was in a rage. The bear
fell down and the dog promptly jumped on it and screwed it to death.
"That's incredible," said the man. "I've never seen a dog like that."
Soon the dog had another bear up a tree. Same thing again, down came
the bear and was quickly screwed to death by the dog.
"One more to go," said the mountain man and the dog was on the trail
again. Once again another bear was treed, the mountain man shook the
tree, but the bear refused to fall.
"Take my rifle," he said.
"Why?" said the man.
"I'm gonna climb that tree," said the mountain man, "and if I fall
down before that bear - shoot the dog!"
======================
A man searching for the perfect bearskin was directed into the hills
to a wild mountain man. "I want three perfect bear skins - must be
perfect, and I will pay top price to get them," he told the mountain
man. They agreed upon a price, so the two, with the wildman's dog,
set off into the hills. Soon the dog was on the trail and had a large
bear up a tall tree. The dog was going mad tearing at the bark trying
to get up the tree to the bear.
The mountain man placed his rifle down and said, "Stand back, watch
this." He started shaking the tree, the dog was in a rage. The bear
fell down and the dog promptly jumped on it and screwed it to death.
"That's incredible," said the man. "I've never seen a dog like that."
Soon the dog had another bear up a tree. Same thing again, down came
the bear and was quickly screwed to death by the dog.
"One more to go," said the mountain man and the dog was on the trail
again. Once again another bear was treed, the mountain man shook the
tree, but the bear refused to fall.
"Take my rifle," he said.
"Why?" said the man.
"I'm gonna climb that tree," said the mountain man, "and if I fall
down before that bear - shoot the dog!"
======================
A man complained to his neighbor at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd
solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my
mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
=====================
solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my
mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
=====================
MONKEY KNOWS.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver
and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped
around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up
and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the
officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his
hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?"
asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth. "They were smoking?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey continued motioning. "They were
kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver
and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped
around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up
and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the
officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his
hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?"
asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth. "They were smoking?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey continued motioning. "They were
kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
===================================
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In i! t was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In i! t was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."
===========================
STUDENT: But I don't think I deserve a zero on this exam.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
========================
FATHER: How are your grades, son?
SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: They're below C level
=========================
SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: They're below C level
=========================
Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window.
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
Three Buttons
A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies' restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR."
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies' room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' restroom on a flight to Atlanta!"
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window.
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
Three Buttons
A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies' restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR."
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies' room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' restroom on a flight to Atlanta!"
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
===============================
While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a guide
how old the bones were. "These happen to be one hundred million and
three years old," said the guide.
"How can you be so exact?" asked the tourist.
"Oh, I just have a good memory," replied the guide. "An archaeologist
came here and told me these bones were a hundred million years old, and
that was exactly three years ago."
how old the bones were. "These happen to be one hundred million and
three years old," said the guide.
"How can you be so exact?" asked the tourist.
"Oh, I just have a good memory," replied the guide. "An archaeologist
came here and told me these bones were a hundred million years old, and
that was exactly three years ago."
==============================
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