Chocolate Jokes

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Today

Yesterday is a canceled cheque
Tomorrow is a promissory note,
Today is the only cash you have
so spend it wisely
- KAY LYONS -

Chocolate Jokes

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count
as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean =
vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both
vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate
to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.
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Some things you just can't explain :

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to
the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.

Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left
leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed, "Again?"

The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket
full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you
just can't explain."

"So, what did you do?"

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you
just can't explain."
=========================
Eternity

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would
like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh.. Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my
meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet.
You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no
dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this
really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't
even think of breaking the diet." The man is
quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do
you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!"
he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to
buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm
going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure
you is going to seem like an eternity!"
================================





Generation Gap

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for
their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear
energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the ( " geezer") said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!!!)
=============================
DR. PHIL'S TEST



Here ya go...try this. Below is Dr. Phil's test. Dr. Phil scored 55; he
did this test on Oprah she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find
this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only
takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.
The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do
the same before forwarding to your friends. Send it back to the person who
sent it to you. Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and
answer.

Answers are for who you are NOW....not who you were in the past.


Have pencil or pen and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human
Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them
get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.
It's only 10 simple questions, so....grab a pencil and paper, keeping track
of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to change the subject
of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to
friends/family, and also send! it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.

Ready??

*
*
*Begin...





Q1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning b) during the afternoon &and early evening c) late at
night

Q2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less
fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very
slowly

Q3. When talking to people you..
a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or
both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are
talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

Q4. When relaxing, you sit with..
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you

Q5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

Q6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance,
looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying
to stay unnoticed

Q7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted......
a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two
extremes

Q8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or
purple f) white g) brown or gray

Q9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going
to sleep you are....
a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c)
on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your
head under the covers

Q10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams
are always pleasant POINTS:


Q1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
Q2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
Q3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
Q4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
Q5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
Q6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
Q7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
Q8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
Q9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
Q10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of
points....


OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with "care."
You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.
Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't
always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.


51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather
impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adven-turesome,
someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an
adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you
radiate.


41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center
of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their
head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone
who'll always cheer them up and help them out.


31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest.
Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's
extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake
your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to
get ove! r if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see
you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It
would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the
spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from
every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction
is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone
who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the
decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything!
They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some
people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you
aren't.


Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box.


"Dr.Phil's Test, I'm a XX"
==========================