In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching
the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the Akashwani that his sister's
8th child is going to kill him. Kansa furious then ordered
to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. When the first son is
born, Kansa kills him by poisoning... second child is born and
Kansa throws him off the mountain peak...third child is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
doubt in mahabharata then how come you have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
The Indian & The Porsche
An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along
too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has
a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Indian looks down in absolute horror "F***ING HELL!!!!!!"
he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
Contributed by Baljit Singh Vijan
Chandragupt Ki Shakti
Meerabai Ki Bhakti
Rajchandra Ka Gyan
Karan Ka Daan
Einstein Ki Buddhi
Nobel Prize Ki Siddhi
Gandhi Ki Ahimsa
India Ki Parampara
Vajpayee Ki Maryada
Nizaam Ki Sampatti
Michael Jordan Ki Salary
Abdul Kalam Ki Vocabulary
Bhagat Singh Ka Deshprem
Sweetheart Ka Amarprem
Microsoft Ke Share
Rupiyo Ke Dher
Tata Ke Senses
Ambani Ke Licenses
Birla Ka Bangla
Daler Ka Bhangra
Rajnikanth Ki Style
Madhuri Ki Smile
Amitabh Ki Personality
Ratan Tata Ki Popularity
Worldtour Ka Ticket
Tendulkar Ka Wicket
Administrator Ke Passwords
Jokes Ke Forwards
Mercedez Ki Car
Diamond Ka Haar
Aur Logon Ka Dher Saraa Pyar Prapt Ho...
-----------------------
Contributed by Rupa Anwar
Baaziger to Bhajigar: Contributed by Tejas Metha
Dialogues:
1) Baaziger:
"Kuch pane ke liye bhi kuch khona padta hai, aur kuch pa kar khone wale ko
Baziger kehte hain".
Bhaji Ghar:
"Pet bharne ke liye kuch khana padta hai , aur kuch khane ki cheezien
bechne wali jaga ko Bhaji Ghar kehte hain."
2) Mohabbatien:
"Ek ladki thi dewani si , Ek ladke pe woh marti thi , nazren jhuka ke ,
sharma ke , galion se guzrti thi , chori chori chupke chupke chitthiyan
likha karti thi, kuch kehna tha shayad us ko , jane kis se darti thi,jab
bhi milti thi mujh se , mujh se poocha karti thi, yeh pyar kaise hota hai , yeh
pyar kaise hota hai , aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha"
Musebatien:
"Ek ladka tha pagal sa, ek moti pe woh marta tha ,
nazrien chupa ke, dar dar ke , date pe jaya karta tha , kuch kehna tha
sayad us ko , magar us moti se darta tha , jab bhi milta tha bechara mujh
se mujh se poocha karta tha , " main chutkara kaise paoooon, main chutkara
kaise paooon", aur main sirf yahi keh pata tha ("abe to aise lafron main
padta hi kyun hai )"
3) Darr:
"kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Kiran"
Marr:
woh: "kkkkk" , samne wala: "kya bhai" , woh: "kkkkkkkk", samne wala : "kya
bhai kya ho gaya", woh: "kkkkkkk", samne wale ne thappad laga di, "kya kab
se kkkkkkkkkk kar raha hai be"
4) Kuch Kuch hota hai:
"Pyar dosti hai , agar woh meri sab se acchi dost nahi ban sakti to main us
se pyaar kar hi nahi sakta"
Kuch Kuch Zaroor ho raha hai:
"Date bahaut zaroori hai , agar woh mere saath date par nahi aa sakti , to
main us se pyaar kya pyaar ka abba bhi nahi kar sakta" (Samajhti kya hai
apne aap ko)"
5)Sholay:
"Are oh samba, Kitne admi the re, hahahaha, Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya"
Tolay:
"Mummmmyyyy, kitne toley hain mere sar main", Mummy : "Jo pakra gaya samjho
mar gaya"
6)Kante:
"Ek din hum sab ko narakh main to jana hi hai , yeh kam karo aur lambi gadi
main jao nahi to pedal"
Chante:
"Ek din hum sab ko date par to jana hi hai , ek kam karo , GF ko bus main
bithao , aur khud jao pedal (Paise bacaho)
7)Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum:
"Parampara Dad, Parampara , pehle aap gaye the phir bhaiya gaye the aur ab
mujhe jana chahiye"
Kabhi tum Kabhi hum:
"Parampara Dad , Parampara, pehle aap date par jate the , phir bhaiya jane
lage , ab main bhi jaooon ga"
Based on a True Story from one of the software firms in Silicon Valley:
contributed by Rupali Patel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director
To all Hindi-speaking staff
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting
our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by
our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our
policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for
emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE
AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI
BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the
verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment.
No project manager, section head or administrator, under any
circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of
determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will
persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or
"MADARCHOD".
Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to
"FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task
is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA", if a
colleague is going through a difficult situation.
Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become
complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say
"FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE
GAND MARUU"?
When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going
through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI"
or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as
"KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI".
Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners
"BADHIR LAVDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not
say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and
dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Director
LA LOO JOKES
* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
Contributed by Smita Baliga
How some Indian marriages start -- The awkward first phone call
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working
in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was
given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's
aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am-
(God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like
a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete
idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief.
I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and
fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she
probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
(I can't believe he actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the
hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you,
but do you want to be wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment
banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad
conversationalist and an idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron.
I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find
out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds
like a complete loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
(Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year.
(Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you
drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't
be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if
they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends,
go to movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some
religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can
go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the
movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That
was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not
really into them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really
religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that
stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should
explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker,
but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression
of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic -
pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool.
But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have
a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother
tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has
never been kissed?)
Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life
reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he
looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's
only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little
crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and
I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have
a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And
who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell
out of this conversation...)
So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and
we can figure it out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for
e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at
work, so- (God, this is getting painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause
I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time
I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)
Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out
now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on
the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she
definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)
contributed by Smita Baliga
Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote:(
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote:)
Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss:)
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss:(
Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Contributed by Tejas Mehta
>> Kabhi jab tumhara H1 expire ho
>> Green card renewal ka tension shuru ho
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Abhi tumko meri zarurat nahin
>> Bahot bodyshoppers mil jayenge
>> Abhi Y2K ka ek saagar hai USA
>> Jobs jitane chahoge mil jayenge
>>
>> Yeh bodyshoppers tumhe jab satane lage
>> Year 2000 ke problems khatam hone lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Tum young ho, nadaan ho, ambitious ho
>> West is the best mein believe karte ho
>> Pata hai ki tumhe mujhase bahut pyar hai
>> Per paisa kamane ki yehi umra hai
>>
>> Prejudice se jab tum tang aane lage
>> Tumhara junior jab tumhara boss bane
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
>>
>> Biwi-bachche to pahale khush hi honge
>> Dishwasher aur microwave ka kamal hai ye
>> Shopping or sightseeing ki enjoyment hongi
>> Heaven on earth ki feeling karib hongi
>>
>> Bahchche jab dating ki shuruat kare
>> Aur biwi Honda chodke Benz maangane lage
>> Tab tum mere paas aana mere dost
>> Mera ghar khula hai khula hi rahega
>> Tumhare liye ||
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
Indian Film Stars and their Answering Machines
----------------------------------------------
Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun,
police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle
ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush
admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya
tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh
diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c
mein msg de dena.
Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to
message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.
AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai,
jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge,
robert helicopter chalu karo !!
Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod
dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi
record karna !
Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda
nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga
Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message
chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa
Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve
patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !
Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka
karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.
Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh
tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....
Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega
Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke
msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he
Pre'm Chopra
KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa!
Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye
ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..
Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE!
Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !
Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg
rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein
rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA
BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate
hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !! Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.
Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan
....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsad
malapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa. Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?
Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me
koi ladki hai kyaaa !
Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message
rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya
Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam
pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS
Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re
kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg
chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ... Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi to
gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."
Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere
liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru
ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
***************************************************************************
>> 1) Ek Sher sunaata hoon bade dhyan se suno
>> Mujhe sher nahi aata kisi aur se suno.
>>
>> 2) Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
>> Pahle trainee tha ab S/W Engr ho gaya hoon
>>
>> 3) VC aaye to VB mein, VB aaye to VC mein daal do
>> seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do
>>
>> 4) Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
>> Are Tankha milti hai aur time pass hota hai.
>>
>> 5) Cheekh Cheekh ke mera gala baith gaya
>> tab jaa ke VB4 manual ka xerox ban gaya
>>
>> 6) Ghayal hai scanner mera , koi dava to dila do
>> Kuch na sahi to bas ek mail - id dila do.
>>
>> 7) Kasam hai dosto tumhe apne apne mail-id ki
>> laga do in projects par baazi apne jaan ki
>>
>> 8) Is 8 mahino me yahan mujhe kuch nahin mila
>> Mail to kya ek visiting card bhi nahi mila.
>>
>> 9) Pyar to tum par mujhe bahut aata hai
>> Par kya karu Tera baap beech mein aata hai
>>
>> 10) Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
>> Laila ghar mein aur majnoo jail mein hote hai
>>
>> 11) Shadi ke pahle - Maine pyar kiya
>> Shadi ke baad - Ye maine kya kiya
>>
>> 12) Bill submit karte karte hum to bor ho gaye
>> Kya karege yaaron hum to 'Bill'able ho gaye
>>
>> 13) Jab tak tu apne dil ki baat mujhe samjhayegi
>> meri shaadi kahin aur ho jayegi
>>
>> 14) Seedha to khada rah Hamesha hilta rahta hai
>> Kuch kaam bhi kar hamesha game khelta hai
>>
>> 15) Gadhe bhi aajkal samajhdaar ho gaye hain
>> use ke saath rah kar Ghode bhi gadhe ho gaye hain
>>
>> 16) Dum aadmi main nahin Cigarette mein hota hai
>> isiliye Cigarette aadmi ko nahin aadmi Cigarette ko peeta hai
>>
>> 17) Pyar mein kisine Dhoka to kisine kasam khayi hai
>> Hum wo majnoo hai jisne sirf laat khayi hai.
>>
>> 18) Unko mere pyar par Ghussa aata hai
>> aur mujhe unke Ghusse par pyar aata hai.
contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
A judge irritated by a lawyer's behaviour, admonished him,
"You are crossing the limits."
"Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai," roared the lawyer.
"How dare you call me saala ? I'll have you charged for
'contempt of court'," said the judge angrily.
"My lord misunderstood me," replied the lawyer coolly, "I do not
call you saala, all I said was kaun sa law aisa kehta hai...
Contributors name withheld on request
A sardar PHd in Atomic Physics goes for an Interview all the way from
Chandigarh to Delhi for the post of a Prof. Once he reaches there he
is told that the vacancy is already filled and that he can go back.
The Sardar insists that he be interviewed. After much ado,
the interviewer agrees to interview the Sardar and says,
"I will ask you 2 questions and both the questions have 2 parts. If you
answer majority, i.e., 3 out of the 4 questions, I will employ you
even at the cost of the selected candidate."
The sardar agrees. The Interview goes like this:
Interviewer (IVR) : "Koo Chug Chug... Kya hai?"
Perplexed Sardar(PS) : "Saab yeh to Train hai"
IVR: "Excellent. Woh Shatabdi tha ki Rajdhani?"
Zapped PS : "Yeh Kaise batha sakthe hain??"
IVR : "Please Sardarji, I am the one to ask questions. Give answers only."
PS : "O.K. Aapne badi jaldi Jaldi Chug Chug bole, tho it must be Shatabdi."
IVR : "Nahi Sardarji, woh Rajdani tha. Koi baath nahin, do our sawaal hain.
Aap theek se jawab denge tho naukri mil jayegee."
IVR (showing his hand like an aeroplane taking off) :
"Yeh kya hai: ZZZzzzzzz00000mmmm."
PS : Yeh tho aerplane hain saab.
IVR : "Excellent sardarji! Yeh last sawaal ka jawab dedenge tho Naukri aapki hi hai.
Woh Indian Airlines tha ki Jet Aiways??"
PS : "Saab aap ajeeb sa sawwal phoochthe ho. Anyway Aap ne badi Uncha haath dikaye they,
isliye, woh Indian Airline Hogi?"
IVR : "Sorry sardarji, woh Jet Tha. Koi Baath Nahin. Aap ne do saie jawaab diye.
Ek aur saie jawaab diye hote tho mein aap ko eh naukri de detha."
An Obviously bugged sardarji said : "Koi baath nahin saab, mein bhi aap se do sawaal
phoochna chahunga. Aap jawab dedenge tho samjunga ki aap ne teek interview liya."
A rather happy IVR said : "Teek hai sardarji poocho."
PS (after making a oval shape with his index and middlfinger and showing it to IVR): "Yeh Kya hai?"
A zapped IVR : "Yeh kya kar rahe ho sardarji?"
PS : "Ab, mein sawaal phoochrahahun. Aap jawwab deejiye."
IVR : "Yeh to Chooth Hein."
PS : "Yeh aapki MAA ki ya Behan Ki?"
Contributed by Jaikishan Rajani
Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff,
"OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise,
shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still
skeptical.After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W.
spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still
not totally convinced. After they leave the White
house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland,
and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Santa says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time
Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What
happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with
Santa Singh?"
Contributed by Sumita Gope
Desi Broken English Dialogues
-----------------------------
I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of
sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Co-Author: Rajiv Pant (Betul) betul@rajiv.org http://rajiv.org/
This joke is copyrighted by the co-author and is printed with his permission
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to
each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who
ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
***********************************************************************
Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town
Date: Nav Do Gyarah
My Dear Anamica':
You must be surprised to receive this Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
Pahechan' to you as Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
Awaara', I am also your Deewana'.
I am making you a Prarthna' to enter my Zindagi' as a Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
Dream Girl' with Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by Tyag' or to go the Rangeela' way.
Wouldn't you like to be Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will Guide' me in Bahar' as we are made for Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.
We will live in Naya Zamana' where we will have a Suhana Safar'. In this
Himalay Ki God Mein', our Bandhan' is going to tied with Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but Anand' in Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored of Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this Baazigar' be your
Boy Friend' and we start Pehli Mohabbat'. This Chahat' is going to lead
to a Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, Phir Kab Miloge' as Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our Mulakat' will be An Evening in Paris'.
Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'
Prem Pujari'
***********************************************************************
This joke was contributed by TejasMehta@aol.com
*************************************************************************
Mudhkar jara idhar bhi dekh jalim, ke tamanna hum bhi rakhte hai
Chut tere paas hai to kya, lund hum bhi rakhte hai!
Ehsan kissika kya lena, hum to muth pe guzara karte hai
Jab bhi yaad unki aati hai, ooth ooth dubara karte hai!
Dil to diya hai tuje, magar ek shart lagayi hai
Leni hai woh cheez, jo tune tango me chheepayee hai!
Sher kahe, shayri kahe, ya gaye koi gana
Teri nani pair oothye, choude mera nana!
Koun kehta hai ki lund yahan mutneko aata hai
Woh to chut ki yaad me aansu bahane aata hai!
Chut se jab khoon behne laga
Mirza Galib samje, bhonsada paan khane laga!
Har roz aadaab, aadaab kahatee thee
Jab aa dabayaa toh khafa ho gayee!
*************************************************************************
contributed by HumorIndia@aol.com
This joke my be a little crude for some of you out there.
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets
of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he
could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control
himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me......"
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of
grass, flowers and singing birds around........
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is
this Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
contributed by Lars Schumann
Sunday, January 01, 2006
JOKES ON THE START OF THE NEW YEAR
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
The Secret of Success
Thursday, December 01, 2005http://whohastimeforthis.blogspot.com/
The Secret of Success
Commenters on my previous post have correctly pointed out that a logic puzzle is probably a weak indicator of VC skills. So what is a strong indicator of success? The question reminded me of an encounter in 1990...
The first person I ever met from Bessemer was Neill Brownstein, one of Silicon Valley's pioneer venture capitalists (with investments like Ungermann Bass, Telenet, Maxim, Veritas and BusinessLand). At that interview, he asked me this question:
What do you think is the most common trait among successful venture capitalists?
I thought hard, trying to impress him. "Deep industry domain knowledge."
"No," he said.
"Um, analytical skills?"
"No."
Uh oh, I started grasping. "Rich network of contacts? Operating experience? Engineering background? Financial background? Skepticism? Patience? Sense of Urgency? Salesmanship? Decisiveness?" (the last of which I clearly didn't display)
"No."
"I give up. What is it?"
"Luck."
I have since followed Neill's advice.
Coincidentally, the second most important factor, I now believe, is a strong, stable platform with great mentors (like Neill and Felda) and smart partners.
The Secret of Success
Commenters on my previous post have correctly pointed out that a logic puzzle is probably a weak indicator of VC skills. So what is a strong indicator of success? The question reminded me of an encounter in 1990...
The first person I ever met from Bessemer was Neill Brownstein, one of Silicon Valley's pioneer venture capitalists (with investments like Ungermann Bass, Telenet, Maxim, Veritas and BusinessLand). At that interview, he asked me this question:
What do you think is the most common trait among successful venture capitalists?
I thought hard, trying to impress him. "Deep industry domain knowledge."
"No," he said.
"Um, analytical skills?"
"No."
Uh oh, I started grasping. "Rich network of contacts? Operating experience? Engineering background? Financial background? Skepticism? Patience? Sense of Urgency? Salesmanship? Decisiveness?" (the last of which I clearly didn't display)
"No."
"I give up. What is it?"
"Luck."
I have since followed Neill's advice.
Coincidentally, the second most important factor, I now believe, is a strong, stable platform with great mentors (like Neill and Felda) and smart partners.
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
BBC E-mail: Role model overcoming hardships
http://saleemindia.blogspot.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "Syeda Jebeen S . Shah" Subject: BBC E-mail: Role model overcoming
hardships
Syeda Jebeen S. Shah saw this story on BBC News Online and thought you
should see it.
** Message **
I thought of sharing this with you all.
** Role model overcoming hardships **
Debabani Majumdar reports on the Bihar girl flown to London to address a
Unicef conference.
< http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/world/south_asia/4530792.stm >
** BBC Daily E-mail **
Choose the news and sport headlines you want - when you want them, all
in one daily e-mail
< http://www.bbc.co.uk/dailyemail/ >
** Disclaimer **
The BBC is not responsible for the content of this e-mail, and anything
written in this e-mail does not necessarily reflect the BBC's views or
opinions. Please note that neither the e-mail address nor name of the sender
have been verified.
If you do not wish to receive such e-mails in the future or want to know
more about the BBC's Email a Friend service, please read our frequently
asked questions. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/help/4162471.stm
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
DISK WIZARD,BAD SECTOR REMOVAL FROM SEAGATE HARD DRIVE
Why would I want to Zero Fill my drive?
The most common reasons to Zero Fill an ATA (IDE) hard drive are:
The most common reasons to Zero Fill an ATA (IDE) hard drive are:
- The drive has contracted a virus that cannot be removed without destroying the boot sector.
- You are changing from one operating system to another and wish to remove everything from the drive.
The download routine for DiscWizard Starter Edition creates a bootable diskette. Boot from the diskette to start DiscWizard Starter Edition. After startup, select Utilities | Zero Fill Drive (Quick) or Zero Fill Drive (Full). Select the drive you want to erase, then select Zero Fill or Low Level.
Zero Fill Drive (Quick) will write over the beginning of the drive which includes the critical partition information, eliminating all partitions and information on the drive including the Master boot record. This is useful if you have a drive that has a corrupted partition or that you wish to erase to reinstalll a fresh operating system and new data.
Zero Fill Drive (Full) will write over the entire data area of the drive. This is useful if a drive has bad sectors that cannot be fixed by the operating system. This will also erase all the data on the drive, but it will take several hours.
When the process completes, reboot the system from the operating system install CD and follow the instructions to prepare (partition and format) the drive and install the operating system.
http://www.seagate.com/support/kb/disc/faq/ata_llfmt_what.html
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
TEAM WORK SENT BY SHAKIL
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
BAD SECTOR IN HARD DRIVE--SEAGATE TOOLS
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
INNOVATION AND IN INDIA???? FORGET IT
The 10 faces of innovation
Tom Kelley with Jonathan Littman, FastCompany | December 13, 2005
Tom Kelley with Jonathan Littman, FastCompany | December 13, 2005
We've all been there: the pivotal meeting in which you push forward a new idea or proposal you're passionate about. A fast-paced discussion leads to an upwelling of support that seems about to reach critical mass. And then in one disastrous moment, your hopes are dashed when someone weighs in with those fateful words: "Let me just play devil's advocate for a minute. . ."
Having invoked the awesome protective power of that seemingly innocuous phrase, the speaker now feels entirely free to take potshots at your idea and does so with impunity. Because he's not really your harshest critic. Instead, he's essentially saying, "The devil made me do it." Devil's advocates remove themselves from the equation and sidestep individual responsibility for the verbal attack. But before they're done, they've torched your fledgling concept.
The devil's-advocate gambit is extraordinary but certainly not uncommon since it strikes so regularly in the project rooms and boardrooms of corporate America. What's truly astonishing is how much punch is packed into that simple phrase.
In fact, the devil's advocate may be the biggest innovation killer in America today. What makes this negative persona so dangerous is that it is such a subtle threat. Every day, thousands of great new ideas, concepts, and plans are nipped in the bud by devil's advocates.
Why is this persona so damning? Because a devil's advocate encourages idea wreckers to assume the most negative possible perspective, one that sees only the downside, the problems, the disasters-in-waiting. Once those floodgates open, they can drown a new initiative in negativity.
Why should you care? And why do I believe this problem is so important? Because innovation is the lifeblood of all organisations, and the devil's advocate is toxic to your cause. This is no trivial matter. There is no longer any serious debate about the primacy of innovation in the health and future strength of an organisation.
As the general manager of Ideo, I have worked with clients from Singapore to San Francisco to Sao Paulo, and witnessed firsthand how innovation has become recognised as a pivotal management tool across virtually all industries and market segments.
And while we at Ideo used to spend the majority of our time in the world of product-based innovation, we have more recently come around to seeing innovation as a tool for transforming the entire culture of organisations. Sure, a great product can be one important element in the formula for business success, but companies that want to succeed today need much more.
They need innovation at every point of the compass, in all aspects of the business, and in every team member.
Building an environment fully engaged in positive change, and a culture rich in creativity and renewal, means creating a company with 360 degrees of innovation. And companies that want to succeed at innovation will need new insights, new viewpoints, and new roles.
All good working definitions of innovation pair ideas with action, the spark with the fire. Innovators don't just have their heads in the clouds. They also have their feet on the ground.
The company 3M, one of the first to fully embrace innovation as the essence of its corporate brand, defines it as "new ideas--plus action or implementation--which result in an improvement, a gain, or a profit." It is not enough to just have a good idea.
Only when you act, when you implement, do you truly innovate. Ideas. Action. Implementation. Gain. Profit.
All good words, of course, but there's still one piece left out. People. That's why I prefer the InnovationNetwork consultancy's definition: "People implementing new ideas that create value."
The classic 3M definition might leave you with the impression that, as a bumper sticker might put it, "Innovation Happens." But unfortunately, there's no spontaneous combustion in the business world. Innovation is definitely not self-starting or self-perpetuating.
People make it happen through their imagination, willpower, and perseverance. And whether you are a team member, a group leader, or an executive, your only real path to innovation is through people. You can't really do it alone.
Innovation is all about people. It is about the roles people can play, the hats they can put on, the personas they can adopt. It is not just about the luminaries of innovation like Thomas Edison, or celebrity CEOs like Steve Jobs and Jeff Immelt.
It is about the unsung heroes who work on the front lines of entrepreneurship in action, the countless people and teams who make innovation happen day in and day out.
At Ideo, we've developed 10 people-centric tools, talents, or personas for innovation. Although the list does not presume to be comprehensive, it does aspire to expand your repertoire. We've found that adopting one or more of these roles can help teams express a different point of view and create a broader range of innovative solutions.
And by adopting some of these innovation personas, you'll have a chance to put the devil's advocate in his place. So when someone says, "Let me play devil's advocate for a minute" and starts to smother a fragile new idea, someone else in the room may be emboldened to speak up and say, "Let me be an anthropologist for a moment, because I personally have watched our customers suffering silently with this issue for months, and this new idea just might help them."
And if that one voice gives courage to others, maybe someone else will add, "Let's think like an experimenter for a moment. We could prototype this idea in a week and get a sense of whether we're onto something good."
The devil's advocate may never go away, but on a good day, the 10 personas can keep him in his place. Or tell him to go to hell.
The learning personas
Individuals and organisations need to constantly gather new sources of information in order to expand their knowledge and grow, so the first three personas are learning roles. These personas are driven by the idea that no matter how successful a company currently is, no one can afford to be complacent.
The world is changing at an accelerated pace, and today's great idea may be tomorrow's anachronism. The learning roles help keep your team from becoming too internally focused and remind the organisation not to be so smug about what you know.
People who adopt the learning roles are humble enough to question their own worldview, and in doing so, they remain open to new insights every day.
1. The Anthropologist brings new learning and insights into the organisation by observing human behavior and developing a deep understanding of how people interact physically and emotionally with products, services, and spaces.
When an Ideo human-factors person camps out in a hospital room for 48 hours with an elderly patient undergoing surgery, she is living the life of the anthropologist and helping to develop new health-care services.
2. The Experimenter prototypes new ideas continuously, learning by a process of enlightened trial and error. The Experimenter takes calculated risks to achieve success through a state of "experimentation as implementation."
When BMW bypassed all its traditional advertising channels and created theater-quality short films for bmwfilms.com, no one knew whether the experiment would succeed. Its runaway success underscores the rewards that flow to Experimenters.
3. The Cross-Pollinator explores other industries and cultures, then translates those findings and revelations to fit the unique needs of your enterprise.
An open-minded Japanese businesswoman was taken with the generic beer she found in a US supermarket. She brought the idea home, and it eventually became the "no brand" Mujirushi Ryohin chain, a 300-store, billion-dollar retail empire. That's the leverage of a Cross-Pollinator.
The organising personas
The next three personas are organising roles, played by individuals who are savvy about the often counterintuitive process of how organisations move ideas forward. At Ideo, we used to believe that the ideas should speak for themselves.
Now we understand what the Hurdler, the Collaborator, and the Director have known all along: that even the best ideas must continuously compete for time, attention, and resources.
Those who adopt these organising roles don't dismiss the process of budget and resource allocation as "politics" or "red tape." They recognize it as a complex game of chess, and they play to win.
4. The Hurdler knows that the path to innovation is strewn with obstacles and develops a knack for overcoming or outsmarting those roadblocks. When the 3M worker who invented masking tape decades ago had his idea initially rejected, he refused to give up.
Staying within his $100 authorisation limit, he signed a series of $99 purchase orders to pay for critical equipment needed to produce the first batch. His perseverance paid off, and 3M has reaped billions of dollars in cumulative profits because an energetic Hurdler was willing to bend the rules.
5. The Collaborator helps bring eclectic groups together, and often leads from the middle of the pack to create new combinations and multidisciplinary solutions. Not long ago, Kraft Foods and Safeway sat down to figure out how to knock down the traditional walls between supplier and retailer.
One strategy--a way to streamline the transfer of goods from one to the other--didn't just save labor and carrying costs. The increased efficiency sent sales of Capri Sun juice drinks, for example, soaring by 167% during one promotion.
6. The Director not only gathers together a talented cast and crew but also helps to spark their creative talents. When a creative Mattel executive assembles an ad hoc team of designers and project leaders, sequesters them for 12 weeks, and ends up with a new $100 million girls'-toy platform in three months, she is a role model for Directors everywhere.
The building personas
The four remaining personas are building roles that apply insights from the learning roles and channel the empowerment from the organising roles to make innovation happen.
When people adopt the building personas, they stamp their mark on your organisation. People in these roles are highly visible, so you'll often find them right at the heart of the action.
7. The Experience Architect designs compelling experiences that go beyond mere functionality to connect at a deeper level with customers' latent or expressed needs. When Cold Stone Creamery turns the preparation of a frozen dessert into a fun, dramatic performance, it is designing a successful new customer experience.
The premium prices and marketing buzz that follow are rewards associated with playing the role of the Experience Architect.
8. The Set Designer creates a stage on which innovation team members can do their best work, transforming physical environments into powerful tools to influence behavior and attitude. Companies such as Pixar and Industrial Light & Magic recognize that the right office environments can help nourish and sustain a creative culture.
When the Cleveland Indians discovered a renewed winning ability in a brand-new stadium, they demonstrated the value of the Set Designer. Organisations that tap into the power of the Set Designer sometimes discover remarkable performance improvements that make all the space changes worthwhile.
9. The Caregiver builds on the metaphor of a health-care professional to deliver customer care in a manner that goes beyond mere service. Good Caregivers anticipate customer needs and are ready to look after them. When you see a service that's really in demand, there's usually a Caregiver at the heart of it.
Best Cellars, a retailer that takes the mystery and snobbery out of wine and makes it simple and fun, is demonstrating the Caregiver role--while earning a solid profit at the same time.
10. The Storyteller builds both internal morale and external awareness through compelling narra-tives that communicate a fundamental human value or reinforce a specific cultural trait. Companies from Dell to Starbucks have lots of corporate legends that support their brands and build camaraderie within their teams.
Medtronic, celebrated for its product innovation and consistently high growth, reinforces its culture with straight-from-the-heart storytelling--patients' firsthand narratives of how the products changed or even saved their lives.
Note: The appeal of the personas is that they work. Not in theory or in the classroom but in the unforgiving marketplace. Ideo has battle-tested them thousands of times in a real-world laboratory for innovation.
The personas are about "being innovation" rather than merely "doing innovation." Take on one or more of these roles, and you'll be taking a conscious step toward becoming more of an innovator in your daily life.
Adapted with permission from The Ten Faces of Innovation, by Tom Kelley with Jonathan Littman, to be published October 18 by Currency Books, a division of Random House Inc.
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
How to achieve excellence
Delegation is a process beyond mere manuals. It needs to be practiced for perfection. Effective delegation creates speed for the organisation, self development for superiors and high motivation for subordinates.
At Birla Cellulosic, we drew up an ambitious plan for achieving excellence. It involved transforming all the business processes into the best in the world, winning all the national quality awards and winning the coveted Deming Prize within a time period of three years. In addition we wanted to accomplish this without any external consultant.
The first step towards this goal involved putting together a core team of exceptional achievers from various departments. I was part of this team. My co-team members included individuals from different parts of the organisation.
This team was expected to facilitate the achievement of excellence in all business processes cutting across the organisation and even beyond. As the team leader I had some initial discussions with various organisations that had implemented the process.
This made me realise that such a transformation was never done without an external consultant. Hence the task became tougher and we began with a lot of anxiety and misgivings.
This article is an account of how the challenges faced by us were shared, analyzed and developed into a methodology of delegation. Today many of the team members are heading different departments at various companies.
I myself have shifted to Jubilant Organosys Limited, Noida. Sameer Desai is now with Acrylic Fibre Division in Egypt. Sanjeev Kullu works in the technical MIS and Ashok Kakadia has now moved to Reliance Industries, Hazira. And Mitul Desai currently heads the quality division at Birla Cellousic. Ravi Sharma, Charulata Joshi, Deepak Pandey and Mahesh Agrwal were the other members of the team. We also had two associate members, Ravi Yadav and Sanjay Pandhre.
Each member of the team contributed significantly and was critical in the creation and execution of the methodology. We realised its benefits and therefore, while heading departments at various places across the globe today, we still practice it.
The climb uphill
The first big challenge was in the genesis of the team itself. I had to lead a team of exceptional achievers of which some members had worked in positions senior to me. So a soft issue of ego clash existed and had to be managed carefully.
Other direct challenges for the team were to design a working model of excellence, help various process owners to align their working towards it and ensure improvement in performance.
Indirect challenges came in the form of all types of technical, cultural and political resistances. These challenges and their changing forms required quick and mid term adjustment in the road map.
To summarise the situation, unclear mid-term targets resulting in a hazy strategy demanded extraordinary flexibility and speed. I realised that I was the bottleneck by virtue of my position as well as expertise.
The team members were experts in their work areas, but expectations from them on the excellence model were different and were known only to me. Hence on a typical day, team members would complete their assignments and wait to meet me to discuss issues. I wished to apply the queuing theory in this situation and also considered opening another discussion forum simultaneously. This required another leader. This thought of creating more of me led to the development of the delegation methodology.
Analysing these challenges I realised that there were three distinct factors that were critical for the success of the project:
- need to accomplish more activities per day
- space and time for the team leader to think and strategize for the long term and ensure development of individuals
- high motivational levels for all the team members
In search of effective delegation
Having identified the challenges and success factors I discussed them with the team. It was then decided to resolve these problems first and only then proceed with the actual project.
The issue was discussed with key people in the organisation and interestingly most of them identified it as a 'delegation' issue. Everyone was clear that it could be resolved through effective delegation.
But when it came to the actual implementation all of them had a certain level of discomfort. So our next step was to refer to the company's delegation manual. But we found that this manual focused on financial independence and resources such as people, assets and procedures were considered irrelevant for execution of responsibilities.
Hence the purpose of these manuals or policies did not match the challenges and critical success factors of the team.
At the same time, the team agreed more independence at various jobs should address these challenges. Accordingly, a survey was conducted and fifty employees across various levels were inter-viewed.
The survey revealed that the independence felt by them varied drastically. Although financial independence was followed strictly, control over actual performance of activities was different across the organisation.
Managers who had perceptions of less independence typically focused their discussions on excessive controls exercised by their superiors on their day-to-day activities. When actions were dependent on instructions, managers were unable to use authority.
They felt that their bosses were able to delegate responsibilities easily, but assigning equivalent authority was a rarity. Further, some employees felt that their bosses lacked understanding on equating responsibilities with authority.
Interestingly, almost 90 per cent of subordinates were not happy with the situation although they felt that the delegation manual was adequately drafted.
On the other hand, the department heads felt that exercising controls ensured effective monitoring. Ultimately, performance of activities was directly related to meeting targets. A subordinate who did not perform well could directly affect the actual performance of the department head. Some department heads also felt that sometimes delegated authority was misused.
This created bigger problems for them and therefore they felt that doing anything beyond the present delegation manual could be fatal. At the same time, the same individual who advocated control over his subordinate was frustrated by the intervention of his boss.
This led us to conclude that the viewpoints of both the superior and the subordinate were valid. The confusion was genuine and it became necessary for us to understand what would be the 'ideal state of delegation' in the organisation.
What is effective delegation?
The analysis of the survey and the subsequent discussion among team members clearly revealed the stages of delegation. Delegation was intended when actions were monitored as a part of training. In this case there was a clear communication that if the employee learned to perform the task efficiently he would then be empowered to implement it in the absence of his boss.
When actions were not monitored and results were the focus, then delegation was good. When parameters were not considered and only deviations were monitored, delegation was most effective. To our surprise we found that this was beyond the scope of the delegation manual and was a skill that needed continuous honing.
The cycle of delegating effectively
The team understood that delegation was necessary but at the same time if it was not done effectively it would hamper the performance of the whole team. Hence it was essential to establish a process of continuous delegation, issue by issue. This would not only make the transition smooth but also help in delegation of new responsibilities that would get added on subsequently.
We also felt that an element of standardisation to reduce time as well as individual dependence was necessary. After many experiments and iterations we developed the following eight-step cycle that proved to be highly effective.
Step 1: Identify the strengths of your subordinates
Each individual has a distinct characteristic, which is effective in a particular situation. So apply the strength of a person to the right situation. There are various methods of identifying strengths in subordinates:
- Visible performance: when a person joins the department, he starts working in his areas of interest. His initial performance in these areas of interest directly indicates his inherent strengths.
- Past experience: past experience with an individual can be used to identify areas of performance and assess strengths.
- Discussion with a reference: with a new employee, discussions with an earlier supervisor or references is an effective method of identifying his strengths.
- Assigning sample jobs: a variety of small jobs requiring different skills can be given to an individual to identify his strength.
- Victory parade: this unique practice in many organisations has a high potential to improve delegation. Although this exercise was intended to improve team working, it helped significantly in identifying the perceived strengths of all team members. In this exercise each member, based on his experiences, identifies and lists the strengths of other team members including the leader. A forum is then organised to reveal the strengths of each member. A list of strengths is displayed in the working area of the team after every such exercise
Step 2: Assign jobs as per strengths
This step requires a change in the mindset as the focus of the team leader has to shift from 'identifying the gaps' to 'assigning jobs based on possible achievements'. Feedback has to change from 'you need to improve' to 'well done' or 'I know you are the best and will continue to be'.
But how do you know whether you have identified the strength correctly? If the team member shows willingness to do the task, is not tired after completing the task, shows improvement every time, uses creative methods to make things better and performs at a level higher than his boss on the specific job, it means that you have identified his strength correctly.
Interestingly, in around 80 per cent of activities, effective delegation resulted in subordinates achieving skill levels that were higher than the team leader's own skills.
Step 3: Insist on documenting plans and activities
A vital feature of this step is to develop a checklist for tasks that will be used in the future. If the task was performed earlier the old checklist should be given and the team member should be asked to further enhance its contents. This not only ensures continuous improvement, it also minimises efforts every time.
While assigning the job, insist on developing an activity schedule. The most critical input of the team leader at this stage is to help members identify their activities.
Step 4: Standardise checklists and shift activities horizontally
Each checklist, developed in step 03, should be controlled with proper coding (may require a separate document control system if the company is not ISO certified). Whenever a task is repeated, a clear insistence on observing the checklist should be made. If the checklist needs improvement, activities should be added or removed with consent from the team leader and members. This process of firming checklists, controlled changes to the checklists and removal of obsolete checklists is called standardisation.
The weakest link of effective delegation is standardisation. Mostly supervisors get trapped in daily fire fighting due to their inability to standardise. Japanese companies have become world leaders primarily by standardisation. Standardisation ensures consistency as well as effective delegation and therefore needs extensive focus.
Step 5: Encourage teamwork through the 'project leader' concept
Unfortunately, due to hierarchical working system, team members expect a lot of support from the leader. Usually sub-ordinates do not believe that they are more proficient than their leaders in certain areas.
This in fact is the basic requirement for team working and effective delegation. Hence members should be given control of projects to further sharpen their skills and develop leadership qualities. Obviously, authority should be given based on their individual strengths.
The biggest benefit of this process is identification of new areas of interest and potential strengths' of individuals. It also gives a sense of accomplishment to the project leader and hence energizes him to perform better.
Step 6: Create measures of performance
This step involves identifying measures of performance at each stage. Deviations from norms (control limits) indicate the need for intervention of a superior. This step also requires a keen interest from the team leader in identifying what to measure.
Changing from activity monitoring to granting independence is difficult, as it requires identification of some parameters, which can indicate that performance is yielding results.
This step is the most critical step and team leaders may need specific training inputs and practice to develop this.
As delegation improves, the team leader's involvement in various activities reduces. But given today's volatile environment performances vary with speed. This may result in fluctuating performance levels over a period of time in various areas.
To avoid this fluctuation, it is essential for the team leader and other experts to provide inputs, whenever there is the possibility of a drop in performance.
For example, if a maintenance supervisor is able to answer the question 'what if I do not do this', for each checkpoint of planned maintenance checklist, the various measurables will be revealed. This needs to be done exhaustively before the supervisor completely delegates the maintenance activities.
The measurable will be effective if it is able to indicate the performance of a delegated activity. Since there is some lag in conversion of strengths into a skill, initial monitoring will be required. As the skill level improves, monitoring levels should reduce by design. An important factor that has to be taken into account is the fact that establishing monitoring systems requires a lot of effort. But changing them later requires even greater effort.
Step 7: Develop hierarchical measures of performance
It is the duty of the superior to delegate as well as encourage his team members to further delegate. This effective delegation will result in development of measures of performance at all levels, which are interlinked.
Step 8: Go back to step 01
In this step the process of identifying strengths continues and the delegation cycle becomes continuous. This is therefore not only a delegation cycle but an improvement cycle also. Each cycle means one more activity standardised and delegated.
Performance feedback and effective delegation
It is important to provide continuous feedback to team members on their progress and guide them towards higher performance. But, the area where most team leaders fail is in consolidating these inputs on a periodic basis. This results in an inability of the team member to perform at high levels in the leaders absence.
So, it is absolutely necessary for the team leader to spend time with each team member to take stock of performance. He should discuss the member's achievement, distinct strengths displayed, areas of interest and performance against agreed result areas (along with feedback for deviations).
Preferably, this should be recorded and the company's expectations from the employee should be clearly communicated to him.
Ultimately, at the end of the year, the leader should rate his team members based on the strengths they have acquired and the results that they have delivered.
Plan your substitutes and tell them
The thought of losing authority with delegation in managers is strong. This welds them to their position and limits progress. To avoid falling into this trap, a leader should plan for succession.
He should ideally communicate to one of his team member the skills required to substitute his job. The leader should sit with his boss and an expert from the HR department and discuss his job profile.
He should combine their inputs into a skill set and document it. This document should be given to the possible successor and the leader should support, encourage and motivate him to achieve the skill set.
To conclude, you can grow only if you ensure both the growth of your subordinates and the sustainability of processes in the organisation. This method of delegation does both.
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
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Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Friday, December 02, 2005
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Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
TEAM (TERI Enhanced Acidification and Methanation) process Bio gas plant
http://www.teriin.org/energy/waste.htm
Magnitude of waste and potential for energy recovery
Waste disposal is one of the major problems being faced by all nations across the globe. The daily per capita solid waste generated in India ranges from about 100 g in small towns to 500 g in large towns. It takes anywhere between three and seven days for the waste to be disposed from the time of its generation. Major portion of the collected waste is dumped in landfill sites. The recyclable content of waste ranges from about 13% to 20%. In a developing country like India, paper, plastic, glass, rubber, ferrous and non-ferrous metals – all the material that can be recycled are salvaged from this waste to produce low-cost products extensively used by the lower-income groups of the society. However, data collected from 44 Indian cities have revealed that about 70% of them do not have adequate capacity for collection and transportation of MSW (municipal solid waste) (Pachauri and Sridharan 1998). The uncollected waste that usually finds its way in sewers is eaten by the cattle, or left to rot in the open, or burnt on roadsides.
In the face of burgeoning urban populations and growing mounds of garbage, initiatives like converting garbage into energy could show the way for cities. A private company has begun converting the city's garbage into fuel pellets and now plans to establish a 10 MW power plant. According to TIFAC (Technology Information Forecasting and Assessment Council), Delhi, Mumbai, and Calcutta would be generating 5000 tonnes of garbage every day, in about a decade, and disposal would be difficult. The existing dumping years would create enormous pollution and health hazards. Municipal authorities would find it expensive to transport garbage and dispose it of scientifically, according to a TIFAC data sheet on 'Fuel pellets from municipal waste'. As part of a pilot project for integrated waste management, the Department of Science and Technology had established a prototype fuel pelletization plant at Deonar, Mumbai, in the early 1990s. The plant was designed to process Indian garbage. The garbage was first dried to bring down the high moisture levels. Sand, grit, and other incombustible matter were then mechanically separated before the garbage was compacted and converted into pellets. Fuel pellets have several distinct advantages over coal and wood, according to the TIFAC data sheet. It is cleaner, free from incombustibles, has lower ash and moisture contents, is of uniform size, cost-effective, and eco-friendly (The Hindu, 2 May 2000).
In addition to MSW, large quantity of waste, in both solid and liquid forms, is generated by the industrial sector like breweries, sugar mills, distilleries, food-processing industries, tanneries, and paper and pulp industries. Out of the total pollution contributed by industrial subsectors, 40% to 45% of the total pollutants can be traced to the processing of industrial chemicals and nearly 40% of the total organic pollution to the food products industry alone. Food products and agro-based industries together contribute 65% to 70% of the total industrial waste water in terms of organic load (Pachauri and Sridharan 1998a). Table 1 gives an estimate of waste generated in India by various sectors and industries.
Table 1 Estimated quantity of waste generated in India
Waste
Quantity
Municipal solid waste
27.4 million tonnes/year
Municipal liquid waste (121 class I and II cities)
12145 million litres/day
Distillery (243 nos)
8057 kilo litres/day
Pressmud
9 million tonnes/year
Food and fruit processing waste
4.5 million tonnes/year
Willow dust
30000 tonnes/year
Dairy industry waste (COD level 2 kg/m3)
50–60 million litres/day
Paper and pulp industry waste (300 mills)
1600 m3 waste water/day
Tannery (2000 nos)
52500 m3 waste water/day
Source Bakthavatsalam (1999)
In addition, the daily per capita sewage generation is about 150 litres. The total sewage generated in India, about 5 billion litres/day in 1947, grew to 30 billion litres/day in 1997. However, the total treatment capacity available is only about 10% of this quantum generated. It is estimated that under the Ganga Action Plan, 46 000 Nm3 (normal cubic metre) of biogas can be produced daily from the sewage treatment plants in 21 Indian cities by treating about 339 million litres/day of municipal waste water. This, with appropriate biogas power plants, will generate total electrical energy of 99 450 kWh/day (Singh 1996).
The urban municipal waste (both solid and liquid) – industrial waste coming from dairies, distilleries, pressmud, tanneries, pulp and paper, and food processing industries, etc., agro waste and biomass in different forms – if treated properly, has a tremendous potential for energy generation as shown in Table 2.
Table 2 Estimated renewable energy potential in India
Energy source
Estimated potential
Bio energy
17000 MW
Draught animal power
30000 MW
Energy from MSW
1000 MW
Biogas plants
12 million plants
Source Bakthavatsalam (1999)
Options for waste management
Last year, the INSWAREB (Institute of Solid Waste Research and Ecological Balance) came up with the theory that rice husk, a cheap by-product of paddy milling, has the potential to galvanize the electricity-starved rural India. With a gross calorific value of 3000 kcal/kg, rice husk, capable of high-efficiency combustion, could serve as the fuel for mini power plants of 1 to 2 MW capacity that can be set up in rural areas. The RHA (rice husk ash), obtained as a by-product by burning it, can generate power in the process.
The cost of establishing and maintaining the mini power plant can be easily made good by exporting RHA, which can fetch $50 a tonne. INSWAREB has drawn an action plan for promoting RHA fully exploiting its export potential. It proposes to initiate a couple of mini power plants to popularize the theme. (The Hindu, 9 February 1999).
Similarly, at an inter-ministerial meeting involving the ministries of power, environment and forests, and urban affairs and employment, it was decided to encourage the use of fly ash bricks in all construction activities. The NTPC (National Thermal Power Corporation) had thought of setting up two fly ash brick manufacturing plants at Badarpur and Dadri near Delhi; the theory being that fly ash, apart from being used as a substitute for bricks, could also be utilized for the embankment of roads.
The enormous amount of ash generated in Indian thermal power stations poses a serious threat to the environment. In principle, this problem can be tackled by using fly ash in building construction. Increased awareness and use of fly ash bricks, which is stronger (100 kg/cm2 compared to 50–75 kg/cm2 of conventional bricks) and smoother on the sides (reducing plastering costs significantly), can provide an eco-friendly solution. Fly ash bricks are better than traditional bricks in the sense also that ash bricks do not use the top fertile soil of the earth, thus protecting the land from agricultural use. Located at the south-east corner of Delhi, the BTPS (Badarpur Thermal Power Station) meets more than 25% of the energy consumption of the capital. It also produces a staggering amount of ash every day (almost 5000 tonnes). The station has, however, been making concrete efforts in ash utilization as a responsible corporate citizen. It has given a major thrust in ash utilization through the manufacture of bricks from fly ash. At present, it has seven units given to private contractors, which manufacture around 16 000 bricks every day. The BTPS had installed a pilot-cum-demonstration plant at its ash dyke way back in 1993. The station adopted the FAL-G technology for the manufacture of ash bricks, which does not require firing or autoclaving. These bricks require natural drying and hence are totally energy-efficient and environment-friendly (The Financial Express, 4 April 1999).
It was also estimated that an energy-from-waste plant, which was to be set up in Scotland, would annually convert 120 000 tonnes of the city's municipal and commercial waste into electricity. It as also to deal with small amounts of non-hazardous clinical and liquid wastes. Besides generating adequate electricity for the plant's in-house needs of around 2.2 MW, it would sell 8.3 MW to the National Grid, electricity distribution network of UK. The facility incorporated two separate systems – fuel processing and combustion.
To produce the fuel, incoming waste is fed into one of the two hammer mills, where it is shredded into coarse floc material. Each of the mills handles 30 tonnes of waste an hour, almost double the plant's throughput of 15.6 tonnes an hour. The over-capacity allows for unplanned downtime. Magnets remove ferrous materials before the floc is carried by conveyor to a fuel-storage building capable of holding enough for two days’ operation—about 800 tonnes of refuse-derived fuel (The Hindu, 21 October 1999).
Role of the scientists
Scientists have developed a technique to treat foul-smelling polluted distillery wastes, using energy from the sun and a chemical catalyst. Tests on a small laboratory-type reactor showed that the method can detoxify 100 litres of diluted distillery waste water in five days. Results of the project at the NARI (Nimbkar Agriculture Research Institute) at Phaltan in Maharashtra were submitted to the MNES (Ministry of Non-conventional Energy Sources). The scientists had applied for a patent on the chemical catalyst. The emphasis after this was to try to improve the technique so that waste treatment is over in just two days. The NARI scientists had taken cues from work on solar detoxification of ground-water and industrial wastes using titanium dioxide catalyst.
By purifying biogas produced from distillery wastes, scientists claimed to have generated huge quantities of com-pressed methane, a gas with immense potential as an alternative source of vehicle fuel. Experimenting with bulk distillery wastes from alcohol manufacturing breweries, researchers from the chemical engineering department of the Jadavpur University produced the gas by a process called biomethanation of the effluents. The process, which also cuts down on the environment pollution, has proved to be an eco-friendly energy production method (The Observer of Business and Politics 25 April 2000).
TERI shows the way
TERI—scientists has been developing new technologies to tackle the problem of waste management
TERI has developed a high-rate digester for fibrous and semi-solid municipal waste with the promise of revolutionizing the waste disposal industry. Described as TEAM (TERI Enhanced Acidification and Methanation) process, for which the patent has also been filed, the digester is said to be quick, economically viable, and suitable for food and agro-based industries and markets. In the face of evident environmental drawbacks of waste disposal methods like land-filling and incineration, the process of biomethanation of waste by anaerobic digestion has economical and social benefits apart from being environment-friendly (The Hindu, 18 March 2000).
TERI began work on the development of a high-rate digester for fibrous and semi-solid MSW in 1996. TEAM process is the culmination of these efforts. The salient features of TEAM are listed below.
Lowered retention time (7 days) and plant area for the whole process to make it economically viable as compared to conventional single phase reactors (30–40 days) or aerobic composting (3 to 6 months)
Complete elimination of engineering problems like scum formation, floating of feed leading to incomplete digestion, feed flow problem, etc.
Technology suitable for adoption by small entrepreneurs
Low water consumption because of reuse of the UASB reactor overflow to acidification reactor
Production of good quality biogas, which can be used for power generation or thermal application like cooking or production of process steam as per the needs,
The decrease in total volume of the feed stock after decomposition is more than 50%
The residue after drying is good organic manure.
Currently, a bench-scale plant for processing 50 kg of vegetable waste per day is operational at the Gual Pahari campus of TERI, at Gurgaon, and efforts are under way for upscaling.
The wastes generated by various sectors need to be assessed and evaluated for their energy potential or reuse in any other form. Biomethanation has emerged as the best option for the treatment of high organic content liquids for energy generation. The use of this technology to Indian MSW is still in its developmental stage. Once a commercially proven technology is established, it will go a long way in dealing with energy problems in the country.
Magnitude of waste and potential for energy recovery
Waste disposal is one of the major problems being faced by all nations across the globe. The daily per capita solid waste generated in India ranges from about 100 g in small towns to 500 g in large towns. It takes anywhere between three and seven days for the waste to be disposed from the time of its generation. Major portion of the collected waste is dumped in landfill sites. The recyclable content of waste ranges from about 13% to 20%. In a developing country like India, paper, plastic, glass, rubber, ferrous and non-ferrous metals – all the material that can be recycled are salvaged from this waste to produce low-cost products extensively used by the lower-income groups of the society. However, data collected from 44 Indian cities have revealed that about 70% of them do not have adequate capacity for collection and transportation of MSW (municipal solid waste) (Pachauri and Sridharan 1998). The uncollected waste that usually finds its way in sewers is eaten by the cattle, or left to rot in the open, or burnt on roadsides.
In the face of burgeoning urban populations and growing mounds of garbage, initiatives like converting garbage into energy could show the way for cities. A private company has begun converting the city's garbage into fuel pellets and now plans to establish a 10 MW power plant. According to TIFAC (Technology Information Forecasting and Assessment Council), Delhi, Mumbai, and Calcutta would be generating 5000 tonnes of garbage every day, in about a decade, and disposal would be difficult. The existing dumping years would create enormous pollution and health hazards. Municipal authorities would find it expensive to transport garbage and dispose it of scientifically, according to a TIFAC data sheet on 'Fuel pellets from municipal waste'. As part of a pilot project for integrated waste management, the Department of Science and Technology had established a prototype fuel pelletization plant at Deonar, Mumbai, in the early 1990s. The plant was designed to process Indian garbage. The garbage was first dried to bring down the high moisture levels. Sand, grit, and other incombustible matter were then mechanically separated before the garbage was compacted and converted into pellets. Fuel pellets have several distinct advantages over coal and wood, according to the TIFAC data sheet. It is cleaner, free from incombustibles, has lower ash and moisture contents, is of uniform size, cost-effective, and eco-friendly (The Hindu, 2 May 2000).
In addition to MSW, large quantity of waste, in both solid and liquid forms, is generated by the industrial sector like breweries, sugar mills, distilleries, food-processing industries, tanneries, and paper and pulp industries. Out of the total pollution contributed by industrial subsectors, 40% to 45% of the total pollutants can be traced to the processing of industrial chemicals and nearly 40% of the total organic pollution to the food products industry alone. Food products and agro-based industries together contribute 65% to 70% of the total industrial waste water in terms of organic load (Pachauri and Sridharan 1998a). Table 1 gives an estimate of waste generated in India by various sectors and industries.
Table 1 Estimated quantity of waste generated in India
Waste
Quantity
Municipal solid waste
27.4 million tonnes/year
Municipal liquid waste (121 class I and II cities)
12145 million litres/day
Distillery (243 nos)
8057 kilo litres/day
Pressmud
9 million tonnes/year
Food and fruit processing waste
4.5 million tonnes/year
Willow dust
30000 tonnes/year
Dairy industry waste (COD level 2 kg/m3)
50–60 million litres/day
Paper and pulp industry waste (300 mills)
1600 m3 waste water/day
Tannery (2000 nos)
52500 m3 waste water/day
Source Bakthavatsalam (1999)
In addition, the daily per capita sewage generation is about 150 litres. The total sewage generated in India, about 5 billion litres/day in 1947, grew to 30 billion litres/day in 1997. However, the total treatment capacity available is only about 10% of this quantum generated. It is estimated that under the Ganga Action Plan, 46 000 Nm3 (normal cubic metre) of biogas can be produced daily from the sewage treatment plants in 21 Indian cities by treating about 339 million litres/day of municipal waste water. This, with appropriate biogas power plants, will generate total electrical energy of 99 450 kWh/day (Singh 1996).
The urban municipal waste (both solid and liquid) – industrial waste coming from dairies, distilleries, pressmud, tanneries, pulp and paper, and food processing industries, etc., agro waste and biomass in different forms – if treated properly, has a tremendous potential for energy generation as shown in Table 2.
Table 2 Estimated renewable energy potential in India
Energy source
Estimated potential
Bio energy
17000 MW
Draught animal power
30000 MW
Energy from MSW
1000 MW
Biogas plants
12 million plants
Source Bakthavatsalam (1999)
Options for waste management
Last year, the INSWAREB (Institute of Solid Waste Research and Ecological Balance) came up with the theory that rice husk, a cheap by-product of paddy milling, has the potential to galvanize the electricity-starved rural India. With a gross calorific value of 3000 kcal/kg, rice husk, capable of high-efficiency combustion, could serve as the fuel for mini power plants of 1 to 2 MW capacity that can be set up in rural areas. The RHA (rice husk ash), obtained as a by-product by burning it, can generate power in the process.
The cost of establishing and maintaining the mini power plant can be easily made good by exporting RHA, which can fetch $50 a tonne. INSWAREB has drawn an action plan for promoting RHA fully exploiting its export potential. It proposes to initiate a couple of mini power plants to popularize the theme. (The Hindu, 9 February 1999).
Similarly, at an inter-ministerial meeting involving the ministries of power, environment and forests, and urban affairs and employment, it was decided to encourage the use of fly ash bricks in all construction activities. The NTPC (National Thermal Power Corporation) had thought of setting up two fly ash brick manufacturing plants at Badarpur and Dadri near Delhi; the theory being that fly ash, apart from being used as a substitute for bricks, could also be utilized for the embankment of roads.
The enormous amount of ash generated in Indian thermal power stations poses a serious threat to the environment. In principle, this problem can be tackled by using fly ash in building construction. Increased awareness and use of fly ash bricks, which is stronger (100 kg/cm2 compared to 50–75 kg/cm2 of conventional bricks) and smoother on the sides (reducing plastering costs significantly), can provide an eco-friendly solution. Fly ash bricks are better than traditional bricks in the sense also that ash bricks do not use the top fertile soil of the earth, thus protecting the land from agricultural use. Located at the south-east corner of Delhi, the BTPS (Badarpur Thermal Power Station) meets more than 25% of the energy consumption of the capital. It also produces a staggering amount of ash every day (almost 5000 tonnes). The station has, however, been making concrete efforts in ash utilization as a responsible corporate citizen. It has given a major thrust in ash utilization through the manufacture of bricks from fly ash. At present, it has seven units given to private contractors, which manufacture around 16 000 bricks every day. The BTPS had installed a pilot-cum-demonstration plant at its ash dyke way back in 1993. The station adopted the FAL-G technology for the manufacture of ash bricks, which does not require firing or autoclaving. These bricks require natural drying and hence are totally energy-efficient and environment-friendly (The Financial Express, 4 April 1999).
It was also estimated that an energy-from-waste plant, which was to be set up in Scotland, would annually convert 120 000 tonnes of the city's municipal and commercial waste into electricity. It as also to deal with small amounts of non-hazardous clinical and liquid wastes. Besides generating adequate electricity for the plant's in-house needs of around 2.2 MW, it would sell 8.3 MW to the National Grid, electricity distribution network of UK. The facility incorporated two separate systems – fuel processing and combustion.
To produce the fuel, incoming waste is fed into one of the two hammer mills, where it is shredded into coarse floc material. Each of the mills handles 30 tonnes of waste an hour, almost double the plant's throughput of 15.6 tonnes an hour. The over-capacity allows for unplanned downtime. Magnets remove ferrous materials before the floc is carried by conveyor to a fuel-storage building capable of holding enough for two days’ operation—about 800 tonnes of refuse-derived fuel (The Hindu, 21 October 1999).
Role of the scientists
Scientists have developed a technique to treat foul-smelling polluted distillery wastes, using energy from the sun and a chemical catalyst. Tests on a small laboratory-type reactor showed that the method can detoxify 100 litres of diluted distillery waste water in five days. Results of the project at the NARI (Nimbkar Agriculture Research Institute) at Phaltan in Maharashtra were submitted to the MNES (Ministry of Non-conventional Energy Sources). The scientists had applied for a patent on the chemical catalyst. The emphasis after this was to try to improve the technique so that waste treatment is over in just two days. The NARI scientists had taken cues from work on solar detoxification of ground-water and industrial wastes using titanium dioxide catalyst.
By purifying biogas produced from distillery wastes, scientists claimed to have generated huge quantities of com-pressed methane, a gas with immense potential as an alternative source of vehicle fuel. Experimenting with bulk distillery wastes from alcohol manufacturing breweries, researchers from the chemical engineering department of the Jadavpur University produced the gas by a process called biomethanation of the effluents. The process, which also cuts down on the environment pollution, has proved to be an eco-friendly energy production method (The Observer of Business and Politics 25 April 2000).
TERI shows the way
TERI—scientists has been developing new technologies to tackle the problem of waste management
TERI has developed a high-rate digester for fibrous and semi-solid municipal waste with the promise of revolutionizing the waste disposal industry. Described as TEAM (TERI Enhanced Acidification and Methanation) process, for which the patent has also been filed, the digester is said to be quick, economically viable, and suitable for food and agro-based industries and markets. In the face of evident environmental drawbacks of waste disposal methods like land-filling and incineration, the process of biomethanation of waste by anaerobic digestion has economical and social benefits apart from being environment-friendly (The Hindu, 18 March 2000).
TERI began work on the development of a high-rate digester for fibrous and semi-solid MSW in 1996. TEAM process is the culmination of these efforts. The salient features of TEAM are listed below.
Lowered retention time (7 days) and plant area for the whole process to make it economically viable as compared to conventional single phase reactors (30–40 days) or aerobic composting (3 to 6 months)
Complete elimination of engineering problems like scum formation, floating of feed leading to incomplete digestion, feed flow problem, etc.
Technology suitable for adoption by small entrepreneurs
Low water consumption because of reuse of the UASB reactor overflow to acidification reactor
Production of good quality biogas, which can be used for power generation or thermal application like cooking or production of process steam as per the needs,
The decrease in total volume of the feed stock after decomposition is more than 50%
The residue after drying is good organic manure.
Currently, a bench-scale plant for processing 50 kg of vegetable waste per day is operational at the Gual Pahari campus of TERI, at Gurgaon, and efforts are under way for upscaling.
The wastes generated by various sectors need to be assessed and evaluated for their energy potential or reuse in any other form. Biomethanation has emerged as the best option for the treatment of high organic content liquids for energy generation. The use of this technology to Indian MSW is still in its developmental stage. Once a commercially proven technology is established, it will go a long way in dealing with energy problems in the country.
Environmental Entrepreneur,Green Biz.NRN Murthy of Infosys says that we Indians are weak in execution.We need to realize the need and practice of gud project management. Form a group of competent Managers,Give them responsibilities and review the project from day One.
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