Re: SUNDAY JOKES

Sent: Sunday, January 09, 2005 10:16 AM

Subject: SUNDAY JOKES

james bond

James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond. His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences till he meets our great Hyderabad guy.



When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy......



James Bond: "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says)....James Bond."



James Bond: And you?



Telugu Guy: I am Sai...



Venkata Sai...



Siva Venkata Sai...



Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....



Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai...



Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai.....



Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....



Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara SrinivasuluLaxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....



James Bond faints!!!

================================

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate
me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

==============================

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

*****
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my
grandpa who died peacefuly
in his sleep not screamin like all d passengers
in d car he was driving..
> >
Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what
you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a
mirror! ( hahahahahah )
> >
> >
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a
graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still digging for more..
> >
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in
the morning.
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not
AM''.

> >
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last
words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"
-- =================================

A girl went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Coach : Mam, here two piece costume is not allowed.
Girl : Kaun sa Utaroon? !!!

*******************************************************************************

One day a man goes to bank for withdrawing cash.
Lady cashier asked: So so ke loge?
Man replied: Khade khade bhi chalega.

*******************************************************************************
A Girl lodging a FIR report against the Rapist
Girl : Inspector saab,

char mein ek ne mere breast pakde,
ek ne meri gand mari,
ek ne choda,
ek ne chooma.
Inspector : Bus kar, FIR likha rahi hai....
Ya land khada kar rahi hai.

*******************************************************************************

A lady lost 3 panties in her house.
She asked her husband but he didn't know.
Husband asked maid.
Maid replied: Saab, aapko to maloom hai mai aandar
kuchh nahi pahanti.

*******************************************************************************

Man went to a bakery & asks
MAN : Abe pau hai kya?
BAKERYWALA : To kya madarchod, lund pe khada hu kya?

*******************************************************************************

A Lady dashes a man while getting in the bus ...
Man : Apne santre sambhaliye ma'm, they disturb me.
Lady : (Angrily) Tumko kya, santre mere hai na.
Man : Haan par juice to mera nikal raha hai.
*******************************************************************************

Saas aur bahu me hamesha anban kyo?
Kyonki jis ladke ki underwear saas ne 25 saal sambhali
Who bahu ne 2 minute me utari.
*******************************************************************************

Teacher: Kya cheez muh mein nahin leni chahiye.
Student: Jalta hua bulb
Teacher: Why ?
Student: kal raat ko mummy papa se keh rdhi thi "Bulb
bujha do to muh mein loongi"

*******************************************************************************

Sardar : How u got pregnant without me?
Wife : I was praying ur ID photo daily.
Sardar : Chutiya banati hai, photo to passport size ka
hai, samaan kahan hai?
*******************************************************************************

Sardar with big tummy go for walk in lungi.
One girl jokingly ask : Ye matka kitne ka?
He lift lungi & says : Nul ke saath 450 ka.
*******************************************************************************

A sardar havin sex with his wife when his condom went
in.
wife asked: Ab kya hoga?
Sardar: kuchh nahi, bachcha pagdi ke saath aaega.
*******************************************************************************

Sardar : Maine ladka maanga tha ladki kaise ho gayi?
Sardarni : Tumhare bharose rahati to ye bhi nahi hoti.

*******************************************************************************

A sardar gave 36 roses to his GF, who thrilled,
undresses lies down spreads her legs & says: "This is
for the roses."
Sardar: "Why, cant you find a vase."

*******************************************************************************

A crow shits on a sardar, sardarni hands over tissue
to sardarji.
Sardar says: Ab kiski gaand ponchhu, kawwa to udd
gaya.
*******************************************************************************

Sardar : Lets try something different. Do it in ears.
Sardarni : Hohji, main behra ho gayi to?
Sardar : Aaj tak goongi hui kya?

*******************************************************************************

(A man visits his doctor and.....)
Man : Doc, mera khada nahi hota hai.
Doctor : do u have girlfriend?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u visit pros?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u go for mujra?
Man : No
Doctor : To khada karke uspar kya coat taangega?

*******************************************************************************************************************

 

*****

At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are
next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at
funerals...!!

*****

Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.

*****

Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

*****
morning dialogue:
Banta, "Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years
younger."
Preeto, "But can you shave in the evening then?"

*****

Beware of Indian moms

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl
roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's, roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his
mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your
mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact
remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that
you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now
under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your
Mother...........especially if
she is Indian !
----payal

=====================================

Brought it on Yourself

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please standup?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, onefreshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to seeyou standing up there all by yourself."
---------------------------------
Idiots

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears". The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

===================================

Fishing?

This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake,
sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped
at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones
out and throw them at
me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught
them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange
roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said
that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."

**********************************************************************
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
PUNISHMENT
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle
from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so
funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
------------======================

Sign

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

==========================

Re: tsunami relef

> > Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 00:35:28 -0000
> > From: "murthysudhakar2003"
> > Subject: india trip 2005
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Friends:
> >
> > I am leavign tomorrow for India for 7 weeks. The trip was scheduled
> > before the tsunami hit us. The tragedy is immense and the sorrow
> > undescribable. I have been moved by the compassion, generosity we
> > have all shown and inspired by the volunteers who have gone to help.
> >
> > On this trip I had intended to start a few more projects in some
> > villages. That is still the plan. I am planning to visit some of the
> > affected areas. We must rebuild or more correctly the will of the
> > people there shall achieve this.
> >
> > I shall attempt to send periodic reports as I had last time.
> >
> > I leave with prayers for the deceased and hope for the survivors- in
> > India, in Sri Lanka, in Malaysia, in Soamlia, In Andaman and Nicobar,
> > Thailand and and in Indonesia.
> >
> > The earth shook... the waves rolled...perhaps SHE wanted to highlight
> > the brotherhood of MAN.
> >
> > anbudan (in Tamil= with love and affection)
> >
> > sudhakar
> >
> > Dear Sevak,
> >
> > Please find below a well written appeal for contributions by one of
> > our sevaks, who sent it to his colleagues. You may re-use this mail
> > to appeal to your friends and colleagues.
> >
> > Best regards,
> > Narayanan
> >
> >
> > Dear Friends,
> > The suffering all over South east Asia is tremendous and many of us
> > have responded- If you are still open to giving, I want to share the
> > following about an area I know well (India):
> >
> > I have some experience with a handful of NGOs in INDIA that are
> > small, and waste little money on overhead and get a lot accomplished.
> > Here is info one one of them, that I think is very good.
> >
> > Reports indicate that the death toll in India has reached over 12,500
> > so far, with children accounting for up to a third of all the dead.
> > Millions are affected and displaced. With our past experience of
> > the Orissa cyclone in 1999 & the Gujarat Earthquake we know that such
> > disasters lead to lasting difficulties for the victims that continue
> > long after the multi-national relief organizations leave.
> >
> > Due to the long-term effects of this disaster, local organizations
> > that have the organizational depth, a local volunteer force on the
> > ground , and local Know-how are needed so that relief activities can
> > continue even after the immediate media attention dies down. With
> > that in mind the All India Movement for Seva (AIM for SEVA or AIM,
> > seva is the Indian word for serving/caring)
> > http://www.aimforseva.org/projects_by_state.html is one organization
> > that I can personally recommend, as I have volunteered with them in
> > past and have been impressed with their dedication and managerial
> > ability (see my "Personal note" in Bold below).
> >
> > So far AIM for SEVA has distributed several truck-loads of food and
> > clothing ( from AIM centers all over India) - Locally available
> > products- things the people are familiar with, and respects local
> > culture, diet and custom: so it actually gets used. Like other local
> > organizations, they are operating several temporary shelters in
> > schools, Wedding/Community Meeting halls or are working with local
> > temples/churches and Schools to run the same. Several tens of
> > thousand people are being cared for by AIMS and associated
> > organizations in the wake of this disaster.
> >
> > AIM for Seva is Head Quartered in and have several permanent centers
> > in Tamil Nadu (the state in Mainland India that is most affected) and
> > also in AP (the 2nd most affected state) , all locally staffed &
> > managed, so that they can continue caring longer-term for those in
> > need, especially the children who are affected by this disaster.
> >
> > AIM for SEVA plans to start the rebuilding and rehabilitation of
> > villages in Pondicherry, Nagapatnam, Chennai, and Kovalam, as soon as
> > the Government building approvals are obtained, and the extent, scope
> > and success of this long-term work depends heavily on the the cash
> > contributions they are able to collect. They have dedicated people,
> > they need resources.
> >
> > In such a situation with millions of displaced & suffering people,
> > rebuilding seems an impossible task, but we should not let this
> > discourage us. Let every one of us help in whatever little way we can.
> >
> > You can help too, if you would like. AIM For Seva is asking for
> > monetary contributions from people that it can send to its relief
> > workers in South India. You can easily and quickly send your
> > contribution using a credit card through AIM For Seva's website. The
> > entire process takes a few minutes to complete. These contributions
> > are tax-deductible.http://www.aimforseva.org/
> >
> > You can also help by forwarding this message to other people
> > interested in providing resources for relief efforts.
> >
> > Here are answers to some frequently-asked questions.
> >
> > 1. Is the money going directly to India?
> > Yes. If the donation is tagged as "Tsunami Relief" on
> > the AIM website, then it will go directly towards the
> > relief efforts in India.
> >
> > 2. How is the donation tax-deductible?
> > AIM For Seva is registered as a non-profit
> > organization in the US, therefore any donations made
> > to it are tax-deductible.
> >
> > 3. What if I want to send food and clothing directly
> > to the disaster-hit areas?
> > The AIM For Seva center in Coimbatore, Tamil Nadu, was
> > accepting food, medicine, clothing, and blankets. However, there
> > seems to be a sufficient amount of this on the ground now, because
> > the response from people all over India was enormous.
> > The center is located in Anaikatti and phone number is
> > 91-422-2657001.
> >
> > The Pondicherry center was also accepting relief
> > supplies. Again my info is that they have plenty of supplies on the
> > ground now.
> > The contact information for Pondicherry is:
> > Swami Tattvabodh-ananda
> > Sri Vedananda Ashramam
> > 139, Aurobindo Street
> > Pondicherry - 605 001
> > Phone - 91-413-5208944
> >
> > 4. What about matching grants from my company?
> > Matching grants is a great way to double your
> > contribution towards the relief efforts. So please
> > inquire from your company's HR department if they
> > match grants to non-profit organizations.
> >
> > 5. Where can I read up more about AIM For Seva and its
> > activities?
> > http://www.aimforseva.org/organization.html
> >
> > Personal Note: About 4 years ago, My wife and I built a
> > residential School for Middle and High school kids in South India-
> > the day to day Running of the School is managed by AIM for SEVA
> > Volunteers. We have also partially financed (and raised funds for)
> > a second, fully operational residential school for indigent kids in a
> > remote village called Mulagunda, Karnataka (also run by AIM) Having
> > visited both places ( and also other AIM centers, hospitals etc) and
> > spent time with the kids, the teachers, and the Management, I am
> > consistently impressed with the quality of these schools and the
> > dedication of the staff- ordinary local folk dedicated to making
> > their communities better. And the kids have the glowing health,
> > academic record and confidence that is the ultimate proof of the fact
> > that our Money has been well spent.
> >
> > Best Regards,
> >
>
>

re-using plastic bottles

Many are unaware of poisoning caused by re-using plastic bottles. Some  of
 you may be in the habit of using and reusing your disposable mineral water
 bottles (e.g. Nestle, Bisleri, Aquafina, Kinley, Evian,etc...), keeping
them
 in your car or at work. Not a good idea. It happened in Dubai, when  a 12
 years old girl died after a long usage(16months) of SAFA mineral water
 bottle, she used to carry the same fancy (painted by herself) bottle to
her
 school daily. In a nutshell, the plastic (called polyethylene
  terephthalate or PET) used in these bottles contains a potentially
 carcinogenic element (something called Diethyl-hydroxylamine or DEHA).  The
 bottles are safe for one-time use only; if you must keep them longer, it
 should be or no more than a few days, week max, and keep them away from
 heat as Well. Repeated washing and rinsing can cause the plastic to
 break down and the carcinogens (cancer-causing chemical agents) can leak
 into the water that YOU are drinking. Better to invest in water bottles
that
 are really meant for multiple uses.This is not something we should be
 scrimping on. Those of you with family- do please advise them, especially
 children. This is a special warning for families in India who hang on to
 these disposable bottles and use them for cold water in their fridges  for
 ages. When a bottle looks a bit yellow- please get rid of it as a
 precaution.