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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Reply: Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more.


----- Original Message -----
From:
To: saleem
Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 2004 10:09 AM
Subject: Re: Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more.


> Asalaamu Alaikum,
> Ina Lillahi Wa Ina Ilaihi Rajioon !
> We are shocked and distressed to hear of this news.
> My father Haji M Miakhan is quite upset at hearing of this news.
> We have very fond memories of Dr Aowal that cannot be forgotten, ever.
> We pray that the Almighty give him peace and tranquility forever.
> Since my father is not keeping well, kindly convery our heartfelt
condolencences
> to his family.
> Haji M Miakhan
> Khan Md Ashraf
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: saleem
> Date: Monday, November 29, 2004 7:00 pm
> Subject: Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more.
>
> > A VERY SAD NEWS :
> >
> > Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more.He passed away this evening at 05-30
> > at guwahati,assam.
> > ======================
> >
> > You can contact his family members at 0361-2655869 or 9864079163.=
> > ===================================================
> >
> > We know Dr. Aowal for a long time, as he is a well-known person in
> > the field of Environmental Engineering. He worked as Professor &
> > Head of the Dept. of Civil Engg. , Delhi College Of Engineering,
> > New Delhi.
> >
> > a.. He was also expert for UPSC, National productivity
> > council, Delhi productivity council, Central Board for the
> > prevention and control of pollution (C.P.C.B.), Tamil Nadu
> > pollution control Board, U.P. pollution control Board, Assam
> > pollution control Board, Haryana Pollution Control Board, Punjab
> > Pollution Control Board, Indian Institute of Ecology & Environment
> > etc. b.. He was also Member Faculty of Technology, University
> > of Delhi; Member University Court, University of Delhi; Member,
> > Academic Council, University of Delhi; Chairman, I.S.I. Committee
> > CDC-26; Dean, Faculty of Technology, University of Delhi, Member,
> > courses committee, Jamia Millia Islamia.
> > In 1996 he retired from service.
> >
> >
>
>

Monday, November 29, 2004

Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more

A VERY SAD NEWS :

Dr.A.F.S.A. Aowal is no more.He passed away this evening at 05-30 at
guwahati,assam.
======================

You can contact his family members at 0361-2655869  or 9864079163.=
===================================================

We know Dr. Aowal for a long time, as he is a well-known person in the field
of Environmental Engineering. He worked as Professor & Head of the Dept. of
Civil Engg. , Delhi College Of Engineering, New Delhi.

He was also expert for UPSC, National productivity council, Delhi
productivity council, Central Board for the prevention and control of
pollution (C.P.C.B.), Tamil Nadu pollution control Board, U.P. pollution
control Board, Assam pollution control Board, Haryana Pollution Control
Board, Punjab Pollution Control Board, Indian Institute of Ecology &
Environment etc.
He was also Member Faculty of Technology, University of Delhi; Member
University Court, University of Delhi; Member, Academic Council, University
of Delhi; Chairman, I.S.I. Committee CDC-26; Dean, Faculty of Technology,
University of Delhi, Member, courses committee, Jamia Millia Islamia.
In 1996 he retired from service.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Re: 11/27/04 CRISIS !!!!

 
"I think laughter is very imperative. And that's the important part of my life, of making people laugh so they can forget their problems. A good laugh is better than anything."
----- Original Message -----
From: saleem
To: MY BLOG
Sent: Sunday, November 28, 2004 10:02 PM
Subject: 11/27/04 CRISIS !!!!

 
"I think laughter is very imperative. And that's the important part of my life, of making people laugh so they can forget their problems. A good laugh is better than anything."
 
brettleetan: hi
saleemasraf: hi tanvir
brettleetan: fine
saleemasraf: its asleemmama here
saleemasraf: from delhi
brettleetan: r u comming to jorhat
saleemasraf: forwhat
saleemasraf: mohsin mamasbuya????????
saleemasraf: biya?????
brettleetan: ya
saleemasraf: nah
saleemasraf: i cant come
saleemasraf: we have a baby here 2 look after 2
brettleetan: ooo.. 
saleemasraf: dont cry
brettleetan: how old is he now
brettleetan: ok
saleemasraf: we will definitely come in ur marraige
saleemasraf: he is only 15 days
brettleetan: ok thats a promise
saleemasraf: yah insa allah
brettleetan: oo so swettt.....
saleemasraf: yup
saleemasraf: wali nana and munira nani is reaching guwahati tonight
saleemasraf: saeed nana suffred a heart stroke
saleemasraf: i think u know all these things
brettleetan: what ?
brettleetan: when
saleemasraf: three daysago
brettleetan: nooo we dint know it
saleemasraf: budin ofsaban mama got married yesterday night
saleemasraf: why???
saleemasraf: saeed mamas stroke is big NEWS in guwahati
saleemasraf: he suffered facialparalysis also
brettleetan: but WE didnt know it
saleemasraf: call mohsin bhai at our place in silpuhuri 0361-2664213
brettleetan: my mother's gettin a shock
saleemasraf: is she near you
brettleetan: ya
saleemasraf: as her tomake a call
saleemasraf: and faiz nana isinventrlator
saleemasraf: at international hospital
saleemasraf: rosemai naniis also notwell


-----------------------------
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, November 27, 2004 10:21 PM
Subject: 11/27/04 Re: CRISIS !!!!

Manju:
 
Please convey our love and salaam to the families, and they are in our prayers.
 
May Allah give them all enough courage and patience to go through this time.
 
Jebeen

11/27/04 CRISIS !!!!

 
"I think laughter is very imperative. And that's the important part of my life, of making people laugh so they can forget their problems. A good laugh is better than anything."
 
brettleetan: hi
saleemasraf: hi tanvir
brettleetan: fine
saleemasraf: its asleemmama here
saleemasraf: from delhi
brettleetan: r u comming to jorhat
saleemasraf: forwhat
saleemasraf: mohsin mamasbuya????????
saleemasraf: biya?????
brettleetan: ya
saleemasraf: nah
saleemasraf: i cant come
saleemasraf: we have a baby here 2 look after 2
brettleetan: ooo.. 
saleemasraf: dont cry
brettleetan: how old is he now
brettleetan: ok
saleemasraf: we will definitely come in ur marraige
saleemasraf: he is only 15 days
brettleetan: ok thats a promise
saleemasraf: yah insa allah
brettleetan: oo so swettt.....
saleemasraf: yup
saleemasraf: wali nana and munira nani is reaching guwahati tonight
saleemasraf: saeed nana suffred a heart stroke
saleemasraf: i think u know all these things
brettleetan: what ?
brettleetan: when
saleemasraf: three daysago
brettleetan: nooo we dint know it
saleemasraf: budin ofsaban mama got married yesterday night
saleemasraf: why???
saleemasraf: saeed mamas stroke is big NEWS in guwahati
saleemasraf: he suffered facialparalysis also
brettleetan: but WE didnt know it
saleemasraf: call mohsin bhai at our place in silpuhuri 0361-2664213
brettleetan: my mother's gettin a shock
saleemasraf: is she near you
brettleetan: ya
saleemasraf: as her tomake a call
saleemasraf: and faiz nana isinventrlator
saleemasraf: at international hospital
saleemasraf: rosemai naniis also notwell


-----------------------------
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, November 27, 2004 10:21 PM
Subject: 11/27/04 Re: CRISIS !!!!

Manju:
 
Please convey our love and salaam to the families, and they are in our prayers.
 
May Allah give them all enough courage and patience to go through this time.
 
Jebeen

Monday, November 22, 2004

Naughty Little Johnny JOKES

From: "Rajiv Agarwal" <rajiv_grwl@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: (rajiv_grwl) try ur wits..

1. man
-----------
board

Ans. = man overboard


2. stand
-----------
i

Ans. = I understand





ok?....get the drift?
Let's try a few now & see how you fare





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/


Ans. = reading between the lines




4. r
r o a d
a
d


Ans. = cross road




5. cycle
cycle
cycle


Ans. = tricycle




6.
t
o
w
n


Ans. = downtown

7.
le /
/ vel
/


Ans. = split level



8 ... 0
------------
M.D.
Ph.D.



Ans. = two degrees below zero



9. knee
------------
light

Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)





10. ii ii
-----------
O O


Ans. = circles under the eyes




11. dice
dice

Ans. = paradise



12. t
o
u
c
h


Ans. = touchdown



13. ground
---------------
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet


Ans. = six feet underground





14. he's / himself


Ans. = he's by himself





15. ecnalg


Ans. = backward glance




16. death / life


Ans. = life after death



17 THINK


Ans. think big !!




and the last one is fun............





18. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....


Ans. long time no 'c'(see)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Excellent Time pass...............

Naughty Little Johnny


1.The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the
class the


following question, "What is bright red and shiny?". Little Johnny
jumped


up and shouted, "A fire engine !!!!???" No! No!" said the teacher, "
But I


like the way you think.. anyone else?" Little Susan replied that it
was an


apple and everyone was happy except Johnny of course.. Anyway, Little


Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded
OK.


"What is long, hard,rounded and has hair at one end?" "JOHNNY!!!" she


screamed,"WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..." Johnny
replied, "No,it's a


toothbrush, but I like the way you think"..


======================================================================
=================



2.Confused Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his


teacher, indicating that Johnny is having some difficulty with the


differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, "please sit
down


and have a talk with Johnny about this?" So Johnny's mother takes him
by


the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.."First,
Johnny, you


take off my blouse...." so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it
off.. "Ok,


now take off my skirt...." ..and he takes off her skirt.. "Now take
off my


bra...."...which he does.. "and now, Johnny, please take off my
panties.."


..and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE
don't


wear any of my clothes to school again!"


======================================================================
=================



3.Math Class Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when


his teacher picked him to answer a question.. "Johnny, if there were 5


birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be


left?" "None", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,
the


answer is 4", said the teacher. "but I like the way you are thinking."


Little Johnny retaliated. "I have a question for you now. If there
were


three women eating ice cream cones


in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third


one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher


nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little
Johnny,


"the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you
are


thinking.."


======================================================================
=================



4. What is it? One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of
fruit.


"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a fruit, and
you


tell what fruit I'm talking about." Okay, first: it's round, plumb and


red." Of course, Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher
wisely


ignored him and picked little Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple."


"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the
second.


It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.." Well, Johnny is
hopping


up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But
she


skips him again and calls on Little Billy.. "Is it a peach?" "No,
Billy,


I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.." Here's another:
it's


long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as
he


waves his hand frantically.. But the teacher skips him again and
calls on


little Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a


squash, but I like your thinking."


Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.. "Hey, I've
got


one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got
it:


it's round, hard, and its got a head on it." ."Johnny!" she
cries. "That's


disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your


thinking"


======================================================================
=================



5.What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud


noises coming from his parents' bedroom.He got out of bed and walked
down


the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the


hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on..
Little


Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used


condom.. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.. His father


looked around nervously


wondering what he could tell his son.. "I, um, I'm just checking out
the


bathroom for mice." replied his father..Johnny looked at his father in


extreme puzzlement and said, "What you gonna do when you find them ?
f**k


them?"


======================================================================
=================



Not Another Word Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after
she


had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I


was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the
room with


the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and


then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and
said,


"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want
you to


tell him exactly


what you've just told me." Father comes home and the wife tells him
that


she's leaving him. "But why?" he croaks. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell
Daddy just


what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your


closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got


undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of
her..." "...and


they did just what you did last week, Mommy, with Uncle Bob".


======================================================================
=================



Heaven Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day,


the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
heaven


first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind
goes to


heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God."


The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.
He


says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all
about


love." "That is so beautiful, Billy", praises the teacher. The teacher


looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she
thought, "I'm not


gonna like this..Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think
goes to


heaven first?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet." The teacher
(relieved)


asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.. He
replied, "Well,


I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her
feet


up in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"


======================================================================
=================



Pass or Fail Johnny missed his final exams due to the flu, but he'd
done so


well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that
they


give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The
principal


agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained, then the
teacher


asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"


Johnny replied, "Legs." The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have
in


your pants that i don't have in my pants?" Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The


teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital ofItaly?" Johnny replied.


" Rome." The teacher turned to the principal and


asked, "Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask
me, I


got the first two wrong"


======================================================================
=================



Harassment Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence. Johnny:Her mouth
said


'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.


======================================================================
=================



Loaf of Bread Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store
to get


a loaf of bread..Little Johnny's is coming home from the store
swinging the


loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket..
Along


comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to


say something from the Bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little


Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny, that you have the Stuff of
Life in


one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A
loaf of


bread, Father".


======================================================================
=================



Bet It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father
looked


up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but
that he


was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch
money


from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did
not seem


disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems
and


was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly


after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things
were


going. "Oh, everything is going very well" she said. "I I think I may
have


cured little Jhnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what
had


happened. "He absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I
had a


mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him
to


the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole." "Crap!" The
father


said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the
teacher's


bare butt before the day was over."


======================================================================
=================



One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her
cleavage.She


asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about
you,jonny?" "Milk!"


answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong
answer. "Roses


drink water,"explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I
didn't know


the stem was that long!"


======================================================================
=================



Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a
keyhole


at their parents making love "Wow, look at them! And we are not
allowed


even to stick a finger in our nose!"


======================================================================
=================



Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each


other."Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny."Well, the one below
has


relaxed and the one above has concentrated." "Okay, I've understood."


"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically. "Never
relax in


your life, dad, or you'll get f**ked like a dog!"


======================================================================
=================



Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom,
what are


those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny
to


ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be


forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his
father


the same question. His father, always ready with the answers,
says,"Why


Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up
and


she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more


questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few
hours


early. Johnny runs out of the house crying


hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm
down


son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?""Uncle Harry is blowing up
Mommy's


balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"


======================================================================
=================



Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word


'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is


definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray,or


orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry,
but in


the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the
class


stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks
horrified


and says..."Johnny! of course not!!!" "OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit
my


pants..."


======================================================================
=================



Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He


decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering
their


room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Mommy,
daddy, what


are you doing?" Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!" So
Johnny


decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets
going


up-and-down. Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:"
Get


out! We are playing cards!" Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his
own


room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and


grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so


decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the
blankets


going up-and-down. "Johnny! What are you doing??!!" Johnny:" I'm
playing


cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?" Johnny: "With a hand like
this,


who needs a partner?"


======================================================================
=================



Not Johnny but Japani!


It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the
son


of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,


reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me


death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who
had


his


hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of
the


people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'"?


Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,1863."The
teacher


snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is
new to


our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a
loud


whisper: "F-----g Japanese.""Who said that?" she demanded.Suzuki put
his


hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," @ that point, a student in the back
sighed,


"I'm gonna puke!" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said


that?" Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out


of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,"Bill Clinton,
to


Monica Lewinsky, 1997."


jokes- ALWAYS BE HAPPY

 
Subject: jokes- ALWAYS BE HAPPY


   From: "Kashef Eftekhar" <keftekhar@aljeel.com>
Subject: Hilarious
Good looking kaun? charming kaun?
Dashing kaun? Famous kaun?
Woh aap to nahi. Fir bacha kaun?

********************************************
Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.
Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo-
Aata hai Usha ke saath,
Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,
Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!


*********************************************

Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee
Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu?
Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00

********************************

Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends.
I am Sardar and this is sardarney,
this is my kid and this is my kidney.

*****************************

Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer.
Salesman Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains.
Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed.

*************************
Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!!
To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare
Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!!

*******************

Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!
Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!

***************************************

Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,
Bhagwan Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,

******************************

Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,
Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!!


*****************************************
Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?
To Check if he is going to work or Coming Back.
*****************************************
Three Explorers Are Captured...

    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

    The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

********************************************
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."


*****************************
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"


 
*******************************************************************
 



ALWAYS BE HAPPY


















TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

 
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

Saturday, November 20, 2004

jokes- ALWAYS BE HAPPY


   From: "Kashef Eftekhar" <keftekhar@aljeel.com>
Subject: Hilarious
Good looking kaun? charming kaun?
Dashing kaun? Famous kaun?
Woh aap to nahi. Fir bacha kaun?

********************************************
Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.
Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo-
Aata hai Usha ke saath,
Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,
Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!


*********************************************

Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee
Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu?
Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00

********************************

Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends.
I am Sardar and this is sardarney,
this is my kid and this is my kidney.

*****************************

Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer.
Salesman Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains.
Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed.

*************************
Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!!
To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare
Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!!

*******************

Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!
Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!

***************************************

Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,
Bhagwan Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,

******************************

Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,
Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!!


*****************************************
Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?
To Check if he is going to work or Coming Back.
*****************************************
Three Explorers Are Captured...

    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

    The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

********************************************
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."


*****************************
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"


 
*******************************************************************
 



ALWAYS BE HAPPY


















Wednesday, November 17, 2004

WHAT YOUR WIFE WANT FROM YOU IN BEDROOM

NOTE:THE INTENTION IS TO SHARE INFORMATION FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES SO THAT IT CAN HELP MANY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW.THE SOURCES OF INFORMATION INDICATED SO THAT THEY CAN GO TO THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE.

Sexual foreplay-Tips to help arouse her

Happy Ending Massage
The truth of the matter is far more women receive erotic or sensual massages than the public is aware of.
This massage can focus on certain areas  like the breasts, lower abdomen, inner thighs near his/her private parts.
 Logically, anything that increases blood flow to the pelvis increases sensitivity, arousal.
First Back massage:"At first you're on your stomach, so they're just massaging your back, Lightly caress your S.O.'s neck, shoulders, arms, back, and buttocks with your fingertips  for at least five minutes.
Second Front Massage:" Then they turn you over. [My masseur] started massaging my breasts. My nipples got erect, so that must have sent him a signal. Nipple play is also important. "Nipple stimulation is processed in the same region of the brain as touch to the clitoris and penis, so lightly stimulating the area around the nipple (the areola) on both men and women can be very stimulating," says Laino. "It will increase blood flow to both the nipples and to the genital area. And don't forget the abs! This is a hot spot for both men and women—especially the area between the belly button and genitals, says Laino. "Massaging this area can make the pelvic floor muscles contract," she says. That sends blood flow straight to the genitals, she says. 
 He started rubbing me on the pressure points around my hips. Giving his or her inner thighs a rubdown. "The inner thighs, for ladies and gents, are very sensitive because they're so close to the genitals. He never actually touched my clitoris or vagina; it was just all around the area.  This guy was a master of temptation. He would get oh so close, closer... and then back away.
 My legs spread apart almost involuntarily as I waited for him to start the sexy part.
Ok, now that your S.O. is primed and ready, onto the good stuff:
For Him
Warm up some massage oil by rubbing it with both hands, then spread it all over his penis and testicles. Place one hand on the shaft of his penis, and start stroking it in an up and down motion, says Cadell. Meanwhile, use the other hand to gently roll his testicles in your palm. Do this in slow-mo for at least a few minutes.
Next, gently rub his penis with both hands as if rubbing a stick to make a fire, then gradually segue into a corkscrew motion, where one hand twists up while the other twists down.
Now concentrate on massaging his penis from top to bottom, covering the head and sliding your hands down to the base—one after another—in a fluid motion. "Do this for about 10 strokes and don't be surprised if he suddenly climaxes because this stroke makes him feel like he's inside a wet vagina," says Cadell. Me. Ow.
For Her
"On the female genitals, it's best to switch to a water-based lubricant because if oil gets inside the vagina, it can cause irritation," says Cadell. Make sure to warm the lube with your hands first before placing them in her vagina.  
Nearly 50 percent of men and women who have used lube say that it makes it easier to have an orgasm
Start by focusing on the vulva, which is the outside visible area of the vagina, says Cadell. Gently rub the lube around her vaginal lips all the way down to her anus.
Gently part her outer lips with both of your thumbs, caressing them in circular motions for at least two minutes. Slide your thumbs up and down her outer lips until they're spread apart, then do the same with her inner lips. "The inner lips are more sensitive, so use less pressure," says Cadell. "Watch for her body language and for the swelling of her vaginal lips, which is a natural progression when a woman gets aroused."
Finally, gently slide your thumb and forefinger up and down the sides of the clitoris for about 10 strokes. Massage the head of the clitoris in circular motions using your forefinger and thumb. "You may feel it growing as it becomes more excited, and with the clitoris containing about 8,000 nerve fibers, don't be surprised if she has a body-melting, earth-shattering orgasm," says Cadell. Game. Set. Match.
Source of the article:: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/how-to-give-happy-ending-massage

How to Give Your Wife a Body Massage

WHAT YOUR WIFE WANT FROM YOU IN BEDROOM.
Men, to experience and share great sex with your wife, be sure to use some of these sexual foreplay tips. There is an art to foreplay. Don’t just grab and squeeze, or head straight for her privates.

Foreplay is not about...
1.             Kissing
2.             Breasts and
3.             Intercourse .... all in five minutes!
In actuality, foreplay is really about courting and wooing your wife’s sensual responses and sexual arousal.
Before we get into the tips and suggestions, let’s review the all important basics of foreplay:

1.             Foreplay is part of the preparation phase of lovemaking.
2.             Foreplay is focusing on helping your wife come to sexual arousal.
3.             Foreplay must not be rushed. Spend at least 20 to 30 minutes on foreplay.
Okay, let’s get to the “mechanics”of foreplay…

Sexual Foreplay Tips to Use BEFORE You’re in the Bedroom

·                     kiss her gently in public
·                     touch her face and stroke her hair
·                     tell her you love her
·                     hold hands or put your arm around her in public
·                     tell her she’s beautiful
Tips to Use When WARMING UP!

·                     slowly start undressing her
·                     give her tender kisses on the lips
·                     gently stroke her face
·                     take time to give her a full body or shoulder massage
·                     gently caress all parts of her body (not just the typical “sexual” parts)
·                     whisper and tell her how beautiful she is and how good she feels
·                     kiss her softly all over her body
·                     interlace your fingers with hers
·                     caress her tummy (don’t tickle though!)
·                     touch and fondle her
·                     keep talking about how much you love her (unless you’re kissing)
·                     try to discover new touch points on her body that are sensitive and bring sexual arousal
·                     keep looking at her
Foreplay Tips to Use as Things GET HOT!

·                     begin more passionate kissing (don’t underestimate this tip!)
·                     start faster stroking and caressing of her body
·                     include full body embracing
·                     start oral stimulation such as licking and sucking
·                     begin to caress her inner thighs
·                     continue telling her all the ways you think she’s gorgeous and how much she excites you
·                     squeeze and stroke her body
FINAL Sexual Foreplay Tips

·                     move your hands from the top of her body all the way down until they reach between her legs
·                     listen to your wife’s verbal cues… is she feeling discomfort or pleasure?
·                     use lubricant to begin stroking her vagina and clitoris
·                     gently massage her outer vaginal lips
·                     pay attention to your wife’s body language; is she beginning to respond?
·                     ask your wife to tell you what feels good to her
·                     reach up to her breasts
·                     kiss her passionately all over her body
·                     massage her inner thighs
·                     stimulate her clitoris until she lets you know she’s ready for intercourse or ready to orgasm
·                     don’t forget to keep talking to her; tell her how much you enjoy her body
Using these foreplay ideas will bring great benefits to you and your wife’s sexual relationship including:

·                     increased awareness of your wife’s body and how she responds
·                     great orgasm experience for both you and her
·                     closer emotional intimacy as you focus on your wife’s sexual needs
So, remember:
1.             Start Slow and Gentle
2.             Speak Lovingly
3.             Don’t Rush
4.             Use Lubricant
5.             Better Discover How She Responds
place her on her back. Her legs should be apart, knees bent, and rolled out at the hips. A pillow or two under each knee (with a towel over them) will hold her legs in place so they don’t get sore or tired.
  • Start with her breasts, using a good amount of lubricant. If the lube is not warm, apply it to your hands first to warm it. Use the palms of your hands, moving in large motions. Do the same thing to each breast at the same time, then use both hands on one, then the other. Your touch should be soft; don’t apply too much pressure. Do the nipples last, and don’t do too much on them. Finish the breasts with more full breast strokes before you move to her vulva.
  • Sit or kneel between her legs. DO NOT hurry for her clitoris. This is not about getting her to climax as fast as possible; it’s about giving her a huge amount of pleasure. You don’t want to even indirectly stimulate her clitoris for AT LEAST the first five minutes.
  • Start on her inner thighs. Use plenty of lube and run your hands up and down the inside of her legs from about halfway to the knee and up. Initially, don’t go past the crease where her legs join her body. Gradually start to trace the crease, and very slowly move your hands in closer and closer to her vulva until you’re brushing her outer labia. Apply oil to her outer labia now, and spread it around without moving past the outer lips for a while.
  • Apply some lubricant at the top of her vulva and allow it to run down. Use your hand to keep it from going too far, gently moving it back up with a light touch. Now focus on the outer lips for a while. Massage each one in turn with both hands, taking the labia between thumb and fingers as you gently work up and down the lip. Next place one hand on each labia, covering each but leaving the inner labia alone. Press in slowly but firmly. Move your hands up and down together, in the opposite direction, in circles together, and circles in opposite directions. Hold firmly enough the labia move with your hands, and then slip out. Then hold lightly enough you slide over the labia. Switch back and forth.
  • Apply more lube, and place a palm over her entire vulva. As above, apply pressure slowly. Move in various ways, moving the flesh of her vulva as you go. Make your touch feather light so you move over her skin, then back to a firmer touch. Take your time; go slow.
  • Move to her inner labia. Stoke, rub, and pull (not too hard) outward and downward.
  • Move both hands over her entire vulva, one after the other. Go downward for a while, then upward (with the backs of your hands) then up and down. Hold her inner labia between a thumb and forefinger and move and pull them in and out, up and down, left and right, and in circles.
  • Place two fingers either side of her clitoris, far enough apart to be on the outer labia. Press in, causing the labia and the clitoris to move up between your fingers. Vary the separation of your fingers, force used, and speed, watching how each affects her.
  • As above, but press in then make small circles with your hand.
  • With one finger or your thumb, very gently push the clitoral hood upwards toward her belly button, exposing the clitoris. Some women can handle light, direct touch of the clitoris when they’re highly aroused, many women can’t.
  • Move the hood up and down over the clitoris, using it to simulate her.
  • Place a finger over the clitoris, press in, and move. Vary speed, pressure, and movements. If her clitoris is firm, you can bump over it from side to side.
  • Move inside. Insert one finger S L O W L Y. Move around the vagina, pressing firmly.
  • Move your finger in and out. Add a second, and maybe a third finger.  Continue to massage the clitoris with the other hand.
  • Press on various parts of the vagina. Find what she likes.
  • Massage the G-spot, which is on the upper wall of the vagina. With the palm of your hand up, curl the one or two fingers inside. As you stimulate it, the G-spot may become more firm or pronounced. Pressure is better than movement for most women.
  • Find what makes her feel good, and keep doing them. Don’t hurry, the longer it takes her to get there, the better it will be for her. If she gives any feedback be sure to follow it. Also, look for signs from her body that what you’re doing is good, or not, or maybe too stimulating.
  • If she pleads for you to finish her, do so. Some women will lose the edge if they’ are held there too long, and others will become so frustrated they either don’t climax, or don’t enjoy it as much as they could.
  • If you know from experience she is unlikely to climax from your hands alone, have a vibrator handy – but don’t be surprised if slow focused attention takes her places she’s never been before.
When she climaxes, snuggle up to her and hold her close. Set your arousal aside for a few minutes so she can enjoy the afterglow and feel close to you.


ITS ALL ABOUT HER CLITORIS.READ ALL THE FOLLOWING ARTICLES ON CLITORIS.

16 New Ways to Touch Her Vagina







How to make love to your wife in islam and Science.


KEYWORDS :body massage, foreplay, health, How to Give Your Wife a Body Massage, love, marriage, massage, nikah, sex, wife, vagina-massage,yoni-massage,female,massager,masseuse, male,massager,masseur


From: "leo213213" <leo213213@yahoo.com>
Subject: SOME THING FOR YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!




hehehe! You sicko


##############################################################
u r Ultimataa
u r Lovely
u r Likeable
u r Unique
In short... u r ULLU !!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am getting married next week.
There will be small party
and only a few people will be invited.
Don't brings any gifts.
just brings SOMEONE to marry me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Galileo : Great Mind
Einstein : Genius Mind
Newton : Extraordinary Mind
Bill Gates : Brilliant Mind
ME : Master Mind
YOU : Never Mind

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good Person : Its YOU
Good Friend : Its YOU again
Good Heart : That's YOU !
Good Will : Its also YOU !
Good Looking Ahh....
hold it. Its 2 much 4 u..... Now its ME

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I wanted 2 kill the SWEETEST, SMARTEST
& the most beautiful person on the earth,
but then I thought.........
SUICIDE is a crime.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I Look at the moon,
the moon is beautiful...
I look at you... I... I...I'd rather
look at the moon again...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CHI CHANG CHEN
LAINGHUANG THEIN
CHI KWA SIAU-CIE
WOHEN HAU NI THAZ
THAZ HAO OEI SIEN-SHENG
Popat ! Agar samj nahi aa raha ho
to padh kyon rahe ho....?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Why do we drink water ?
Because we cannot eat it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Which letters R* cute* ?
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M
N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Ans.: Don't tell any 1 ok?
'U' and 'I'

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio
with a sports car around it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Zindagi mein teen chijen kabhi bhi aa sakti hain....
1) PAISA,
2) MAUT
AUR ......
.......AUR
3) MER I MAIL

##############################################################

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.  Worse: Your daughter "borrowed"
it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.  Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.  Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.  Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.  Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.  Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.  Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.  Bad: You're arrested.  Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.  Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."  Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.  Bad: Sexually.  Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.  Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.  Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.  Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.  Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."  Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".  Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.  Bad: She's thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.  Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.  Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.  Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.  Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.  Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.  Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

##################################################################

reply :-
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone calls will be entertained.

Thanks.
Microsoft USA

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a
party and when all the guests had come, he said, "Bhaiyon aur Behno,
aap
ko
jaan kar khushi hogee ki humko am-reeca mein naukri mil gayee".

Everyone was delighted. So Laloo Prasad continued. "Ab main aap sab ko
apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter angreeze mein
hai,
isliye saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo prasad, matlab - pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet, matlab - aap to miltay hi naheen ho

our requirement, matlab - humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any further correspondance, matlab - ab letter
shetter bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahi.

No phone calls, matlab - phoonwa ka bhi zaroorat nahi hai

will be entertained, matlab - bahut khaatir ki jayegi.

Thanks, matlab - aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.


Regards
BILL GATES






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